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Thursday, Feb. 29
The Indiana Daily Student


COLUMN: No homo, no discrimination

Disclaimer: The following is most definitely satire.

Gay men across the state are trembling as the Religious Freedom Restoration Act inches closer and closer to Gov. Pence’s desk to be indubitably signed into law. And now, Pence has officially signed the bill to become law.

This legislation means businesses will be able to legally turn away gay men and gay couples from their ?establishments.

Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. My gay brethren seem to be oblivious to a major loophole. The solution is staring you right in the face, especially if you’re looking into a mirror, and — let’s face it — you probably are.

You can only be discriminated against if you give people reason to think you’re gay. Just don’t look so gay and then you’re good to go, duh!

Come on, Hoosier homosexuals! I already know you’ve got it in you.

We’ve all been through middle school, when everyone had to act the same or face the shameful consequences. It’ll be just like when you were scared and closeted. You’re part of the crowd that got through it without ending your life, so you can do it all over again as a grown man.

I mean, it is well known that we’re a theatrical bunch. So, my flamboyant fellas, just imagine you’ve been assigned a new role by the government to play a straight man.

Sure, it’s a role you’ll have to play whenever you’re interacting with a business, but hey, we live for the ?performance, right?

And to be fair, there are those among us who are over-advertising our gayness. You know who you sissies are: walking, standing and talking a certain way and wearing bright colors to call attention to your campiness.

No man ever died from not wearing florals. Just be less of a dandy and you’ll be dandy! Wear cargo shorts and flip flops year-round, and you’ll feel freedom from the indignation that is being ?publicly homosexual.

The application of this law is just about profiling. We’ve already had chances to ?practice for this.

Yeah, I’m talking about blood donations, but instead of being turned away by suspicious Red Cross volunteers, it’s anyone who finds you spiritually unworthy of decent treatment. It’s slightly different, but still totally manageable.

When it comes down to it, this isn’t a national law. Just move — I mean, make sure you don’t relocate to one of the 19 other states with similar laws or the ones who will soon be passing similar laws — but relocating is always an option.

Based off all the gay characters I see on television, gay men are always financially comfortable and are ?therefore mobile.

You see, America is less a melting pot and more a strip mall of separate restaurants. If you don’t like what’s being served, or if they’re refusing to serve you, just uproot yourself and your family and try another restaurant.

What this comes down to is the fact that you are inconveniencing people by giving them any reason to think you might be gay. You are being inconsiderate for selfishly reminding these kind, simple, god-fearing people that you’re part of an identity whose version of sex is more incredible than their version of sex.

Fall in line and you’ll be fine! And if they ask, just don’t tell!

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