‘Jupiter Ascending’
Grade: C-
It’s not that difficult to make a film about aliens look interesting. You’re introducing an entirely different kind of life form, and usually some kind of advanced technology complete with flashy lights and funny noises. And if that doesn’t rock your space socks, there’s always the compelling and somewhat tragic interspecies romance to keep you hostage.
Toss Channing Tatum and Mila Kunis into the mix and you’re guaranteed a sexy intergalactic tale.
“Jupiter Ascending” had all of this and still managed to become a 127-minute disappointment so embarrassing Pluto doesn’t even want to be considered a planet in our solar system anymore. Pluto is moving to the galaxy next door, where directors and producers understand that plot and purpose are just as important as pretty special effects and beautiful faces.
Mila Kunis stars as Jupiter Jones, an overworked young woman in Chicago disappointed with her life.
Jupiter grows to appreciate how simple her life was when she’s attacked by aliens. It turns out Jupiter is no mere human, but the reincarnation of the matriarch of the House of Abrasax, one of the most powerful noble families in the galaxy.
Enter our knight in black leather and hover boots, Caine Wise, played by Channing Tatum. Caine is a genetically engineered soldier hired to track down Jupiter and bring her back to space to reclaim her title as a respected member of the extraterrestrial bureaucracy.
As if finding out you’re an alien isn’t stressful enough, Jupiter is then swept into a complex system of politics and business, endangering her own life, her human family and all of Earth.
“Jupiter Ascending” screws itself over with a plot that is simply too much to handle. It seems as though the writers, Andy and Lana Wachowski, made a list of the weirdest film tropes possible and then threw darts to decide which ones they should use.
“Aliens. Awesome.”
“Sweet, I got reincarnation.”
“Ah, dude, Oedipus complex. This is going to be so good.”
“Human harvesting. We are so getting an MTV Movie Award for this.”
Usually when you have a rough plot, you can rely on decent acting to carry you through, but the leading cast of “Jupiter Ascending” provided no such lifeboat.
Though both actors have had their fair share of dramatic roles, Kunis and Tatum are primarily comedic actors. Kunis will forever be associated with “That ’70s Show” and no one will ever forget Tatum in “21 Jump Street” — mainly because they won’t stop making the damn movies.
Tatum was well-suited for the amount of action “Jupiter Ascending” required of his role, but Kunis was not. Her action sequences were rough, her fight scenes stiff and I have never seen someone jog so slowly through a burning space palace in all my life.
If you’re thinking of going to see “Jupiter Ascending” for the steamy relationship between Kunis’s and Tatum’s characters, let me save you the trouble right now and tell you that you would find more chemistry between a pencil and a seashell.
However, let’s all give a big round of applause to Eddie Redmayne for his role as Balem Abrasax, the malicious businessman of the Abrasax family.
Redmayne drops his boyish charm to cloak himself in the careful demeanor of true villain. He changes everything from his hesitant way of moving, the picture of barely-contained sanity as he plots the end of Earth.
The romance between Jupiter and Caine looks so forced it feels like you’re being squeezed through a swirly straw while watching it unravel.
Though visually stunning, “Jupiter Ascending” fails to deliver a clear plot to follow. You are left with several questions in the end, questions you’ll probably be content with wondering about forever because the only thing scarier than the unknown is the threat of a sequel.
