Build-your-own third party

The Millenial generation is tired of polar party politics. As more and more young people identify as socially liberal, many of us are forced to choose between fiscal policy we believe in and social policy we need. So we asked the Editorial Board what platform they’d like to see from a new party.

Environmentally conscious
This whole third party thing only works if we still have a planet.
It was 60 degrees in October. So save the whales, reduce your carbon footprint and recycle, damn it.

Net neutrality
This might be a pipe dream, but so is having a third party.
An Internet free of corporate and government control should be included in 21st century First Amendment rights.

Comprehensive sex education
Almost half of all babies in the U.S. are unplanned.
Looking at STD slideshows is fine, but American teens need to put a condom on a banana every once in a while.

Rein in intelligence operations
We know former President George W. Bush had a crush on Angela Merkel, but his reign is over. Let’s make allies’ phones off-limits, shall we?

Stricter gun control
You can buy a gun on the Internet. We don’t like that.
Every gun purchase should be prefaced by a background check, mental health evaluation and gun safety certification. Everywhere in the U.S.

Legalize prostitution
Overwhelmingly, pros are the victims of violence, especially from pimps and johns. Legalizing prostitution protects the liberty of consenting adults while making it easier to punish violent criminals.

Decriminalize marijuana
Even if you don’t smoke, stop pretending Mary Jane is harming anyone. You’re less likely to injure yourself or others after a blunt tha n you are after a few shots.

Gay marriage
Everyone has to get gay married. Just kidding. But keep an open mind for yourself and others. Don’t knock it ‘til you’ve tried it.

Pass an ERA
It’s 2013 and the U.S. does not have an Equal Rights Amendment. Maybe it’s just a formality, but ladies should have a solid legal foundation ensuring their equality with men.

Robust defense funding
The U.S. decided to become the World Police after World War II, so we might as well step up to the plate. And we need the military to protect our new party platforms.

Lower corporate tax rates
We’re not going to call corporations people, but getting taxed twice is a little harsh, even for soulless, money-sucking entities. #Capitalism.

Complimentary cat-calling
If people are going to keep yelling at us on the street, they better make sure it’s hella nice. “Your skin is glowing!” “I bet your IQ is so high!” And no physical intimidation. Ever.

52 states
Some people in Puerto Rico want to become a part of the U.S. We’re excited for a new flag. And since designs for 51 stars might be kind of hard, let’s throw Guam in there, too.

Free Wi-Fi for everyone
Tired of calling your landlord because your Wi-Fi went out?
Now, call Obama. Because we all know he’s stellar with Internet technology.

—opinion@idsnews.com
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