The 6 professors of IU

Although there are technically hundreds of professors at IU, there are really only six. They might have different names, but they are all the same six professors.

Use this guide like a modern day Pokédex.

Once you know its weaknesses and strengths, class will be a breeze.

Professor Professor

Think Ben Stein in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.” This professor won’t use computers or projectors. He believes his voice accomplishes all, even though it sounds like background noise on an air conditioner. Class is always mandatory and you’ll get docked 50 points for missing once. Look forward to the day when you watch a VHS tape from the 1980s.

Professor Excitement

This professor is in love with teaching. When you show up to class without doing the reading, he’ll look at you like you just shot his dog. This is the only teacher who makes you honestly feel bad for not getting an A+. He’ll beg you to come to office hours. The first three weeks of class are dedicated to ice breakers, so you’ll know the hometown and favorite meal of the person sitting next to you even though you won’t speak another word to him or her the rest of the semester.

Professor Funny Guy
 
Often in this class, you’ll get confused whether you’re in a class or at a horrible comedy act. All these professors’ jokes are pre-planned, and you’ll hear them at least four times before the semester is over. They most likely say uncomfortable things to the better-looking people in class, which makes everyone feel awkward.

Professor Organic

You can identify this professor on the first day: frilly shirts, sandals and ill-fitting pants. When he announces that he didn’t print out syllabi to save the trees, you know what you’re in for: a year full of environment-based activities.

Professor Inaudible

Reminiscent of the teacher in Charlie Brown, this professor will literally put you to sleep. Most of the class is spent scribbling notes down as you furiously translate the quasi-English language to regular English. Abundant in foreign language departments, these professors make class unnecessarily impossible.

Professor Too Cool for School

This definition is for some teachers, but all TAs. They are more likely to kick their feet up and drink a Keystone Light than teach. They’re similar to substitute teachers in high school ... but forever. This is nice at first, but after day three, doing worksheets and Facebook-creeping all class becomes intolerable.

Four years of college, six different teachers. It’s amazing this University functions so well.

­— lewicole@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Cole Lewis on Twitter @ColeThenLewis.