Liftn’nomics 101

If you’re a freshman trying to reinvent yourself after high school — from the kid who was shoved into lockers to the kid who was doing the shoving — the gym is the place for you.

However, for those newly acquainted to world of working out, it can be very intimidating and distressing.

If you want a productive gym experience, follow these tips:

Do your homework.

Professors don’t expect you to come to college with all the knowledge needed to excel in their classes. Nor do your brofessors in the gym.

Still, brush up on some reading material before you go. If you are not sure what to do, ask a fellow bro or consult YouTube workout experts.

High school is over.

By now, it should be apparent a university campus is no place to break out your high school letterman jacket. By that same social science math, the gym is no place to wear your favorite high school T-shirt.

Follow the Bro Code.

Once you’re wearing the admissible gym clothing and executing the correct lifts, try not to let your newly-found false bravado get in the way of gym etiquette.

When asked “Hey, how many sets do you have left on that workout machine?” the wrong answer is “I just started, man,” followed by an awkward silence.

The correct answer is “Would you like to work in with me?”

Please do not be the guy who makes someone endure the painfully awkward experience of walking around trying to find something else to do while they wait for you to finish.

Who knows? This gym stranger could even become your future workout buddy.

Don’t text.

I saved this advice for last because I think it’s the most important. If you plan on texting in the gym, do not even bother coming.

The only girl that deserves your attention during this time is the bench. Respect her.

If you have some rare untreatable disease that causes an irresistible urge to text while making other people wait to work out, do not fear, there is a place for you.

That place is upstairs in the SRSC, far away from the weight room. There, you can do some weird motion on a plastic machine with skis — I think it is called the elliptical.

Prop open a brand new People Magazine there while tweeting to your heart’s content.

You will call it a workout, but people downstairs will know better.

Just remember, the road to Muscle City is paved with whey protein and humble beginnings. If you follow simple gym protocol, working out will always be an enjoyable time for you and those who are lucky enough to sweat and struggle alongside you.

­— eygoldar@indiana.edu