How to make friends

Navigating the first couple of weeks without having a breakdown or defecating in your pants can be tough.

The first few classes in a new semester are like watching a movie sex scene with your parents: quiet, unnerving and awkward.

Because of your possible troubles, I’ve taken the liberty of creating a guide on how to make friends in the first weeks of classes.

DO Introduce yourself. Most people love making friends in a class.

A genuine introduction can go far. The worst they can do is spit in your face and call you names.

DON’T Use “The Classics.” These conversation starters may get you one response back, but they lack creativity.

Classics include “Hey, did we have any homework in this class?” or “What time do we get out of here?”

These common lines are the “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” of making friends.

DO Ask for a pencil. Even if you have one, go ahead and ask.

This is always a good move. After class is over, keep the pencil and you have a guaranteed conversation with the prospective friend.

If they ask for the pencil back at the end of class, abort mission and drop the class.

Don’t return the rest of the semester. I now have 15 withdrawals on my transcript, but I have gotten to talk to the pretty girl in class a total of four times.

DON’T E-mail the whole class asking for notes. I’m sorry you had to go out of town for your grandmother’s funeral, but it’s not happening.

Asking in person might work. But the mass e-mail always makes me want to send a full set of notes with wrong information.

DO Bring cookies and treats. Nobody in his or her right mind will turn down a Zebra Cake.

DON’T Sit on the very end of a row. I know you want to get out of class early, but nobody appreciates having to stick their genitals in your face as they shimmy past you. It’s uncomfortable and leaves both people with a bad taste in their mouth.

Follow these instructions to the best of your abilities. I hope numerous romances and bromances blossom as a result.

Best of luck.

­— lewicole@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Cole Lewis on Twitter @ColeThenLewis.