Fornication faux pas

“Virginity” is a myth. Or at least the way it’s been socially constructed is.

Because cultures decide what virginity is and what “counts,” people have incredibly misguided ideas about losing it.

First of all, you’re not “losing” anything.

That would imply there’s some defeat or forfeiture or reason to grieve when you decide to have sex.

That completely takes away from the fact that genital pleasure should be a conscious, safe and obviously pleasurable decision.

Second, virginity is not biologically evident in the same way other things are, like your
gender.

The horror stories of deflowering don’t apply to everyone’s garden.

That’s why so many people are surprised when there’s no bleeding or ripping or revelations of self after their first sexual encounter.

Our trained conversations surrounding sex as though vaginal intercourse is more meaningful than other kinds are extremely hetero-normative and sexist.

Bottom line — “virginity” is not the same for everybody.

What if you’re the king or queen of oral sex, but you’ve never had this part in that part?

What if you have the same parts?

The whole concept of virginity was invented — key word ‘invention’ — during a time when women had to prove paternity of their children via abstinence.

Chaste women were thus more desirable and drew huge dowries, so “virgins” meant big bucks for the father of the bride.

As Laci Green points out in her “sex-plus” videos on YouTube, this kind of mentality takes the romanticism out of “pure” white wedding dresses and being “given away” at the altar.

She also points out that in bigger and more violent constraints of female sexual identity, women can still be cast out of their homes, even killed and beaten, for having
pre-marital sex.

Five thousand women are killed each year from these completely permissible “honor killings.”

This causes hordes of college-aged persons to feel entitled or, conversely, afraid to have sex because of virginity-inspired ideas of status, shaming and commodification.

There is a public forum built around popping cherries.

But the “cherry” is actually like the appendix of the vagina. It’s medically irrelevant.

And it certainly doesn’t pop. That’s the result of a slang term to describe the minor bleeding that can occur when your hymen breaks.

A fully covered vagina is actually a medical condition that would require medical attention from a doctor. And we aren’t talking about Dr. Love.

Somewhere along the line, an anatomist decided if the hymen was intact, this was physical “proof” of virginity.

But the “cherry” is a thin membrane only meant to be stretched. It can even grow back to its original position. But the hymen can be there a woman’s entire life. It’s not a symbol of anything.

The hymen can be torn if sex is too rough or fast, and that’s usually where first-time sex pain comes from.

This is another reason why it’s important to disband virginity myths — sex, straight or gay, doesn’t have to physically hurt if you’re taking the proper precautions.

These kinds of shameful, sexist impressions scare people from having sex and flood them with anxiety, whether that means they feel pressured to preserve their “virginal” status or get rid of it as quickly as possible.

But readiness is such a crucial part of safe sex. People need time to learn about STDs and pregnancy. And lube.

Your worth should not be tied to the speed, placing and part that has entered your body.

So let’s talk about sex, baby.

But let’s talk about sex in an educated, positive way.

—ashhendr@indiana.edu