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Thursday, March 28
The Indiana Daily Student

Opinion: 5 1/2 inches is just enough

In a stroke of genius, Indiana University found itself in a literal dick-measuring contest this summer when researchers set out to answer the age-old question: how big is the average penis? 

With this noble purpose, 1661 men self-reported their length and girth for the express purpose of getting condoms with the perfect fit. Apparently, avoiding condoms that were too tight or too baggy was enough incentive to keep these guys honest.

Ranging from 1.6 inches to 10.2 inches in length erect, the average peen in this study shakes out to about 5.6 inches.

And you know, average doesn’t really get enough credit.

We’ve heard that it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean that matters when two consenting adults want to bump uglies. And while the idea of a yacht entices us all, your standard sporting boat doesn’t get its fair share of glory.

Mind you, we aren’t advocating any sort of speed boat finish here. We’ve signed up for an enjoyable ride, so don’t sell us short.

One of the researchers, Debby Herbenick, Ph.D, is careful to clarify that, “Research on sexual satisfaction tends to suggest that other factors (such as intimacy, affection and psychological connection) are more important than a person’s genital size.”

But 1.6 inches? You can shower us with all the love and affection you’re capable of, but we’re not sure how to deal with a dinghy, here.

On the other end of the spectrum, the prospect of the Titanic thrusting into our iceberg isn’t particularly scintillating, either. It may sound stimulating in theoretical fantasy, but put yourself in reality for a minute. Ouch.

We hope these guys are good with their hands. Or at least they know how to get creative.

No, give us a reliable, manageable 5 1/2 inches. 

He knows what to do with it. We know what to do with it. 

He doesn’t feel compelled to buy stupid shiny things to overcompensate.

He can wear sweatpants confidently.

He won’t leave us to do niche pornography or regular pornography, probably.

But don’t worry, dudes who find yourselves outside average. There are plenty of ways to satisfy a lover other than putting your penis somewhere inside someone. And we’re not talking intimacy, affection or psychological connection, though those are all important.

If you have sex with women, you’re actually more likely to satisfy them by trying something other than putting your ‘p’ in their ‘v’.

If you’re feeling like you might not measure up, we would recommend some consulting: lyrics to Danny Brown’s “I Will,” “The Joy of Sex,” the Kama Sutra, or anything by the beloved Dr. Ruth.

A little research can go a long way.

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