It’s your fantasy football team, not mine

I love different people for different reasons.

In fact, I’m down with the whole of humanity.

But the months of August and September make me realize again and again, though I love people, I hate what they say.

In theory, these two months should be great for me.

I’m an avid NFL fan, and the season is kicking off. Players are practicing mercilessly while most of us are spending hours pouring over our fantasy football leagues.

Fantasy football is a great hobby to enjoy with your friends. I take pride in acting like the owner of people who could demolish me in every way possible. It’s somehow enlightening.

However, I love only my fantasy football leagues. I don’t care in the slightest about yours — sorry, Dad.

I don’t care that you picked Tom Brady over Aaron Rodgers. I wouldn’t care if you picked Wayne Brady over Mr. Rogers. Numerous fantasy football leagues in the country exist, and nobody’s matters less than yours.

Everybody and their mother are in a fantasy football league. Quite literally, I know mothers who are in fantasy football leagues who don’t know what a second down is.
So, please do not tell me about your team, your league and what happened on your
computer on Sunday.

Just because I’m an NFL fan doesn’t mean I care about everything to do with football.
I eat food, yet I don’t attend lectures about what food my friends had for dinner yesterday.

Nothing is more annoying than when a friend recounts the entirety of his fantasy football league’s weekend exploits. He makes me reconsider the word friend.

Instead, tell me about the color of your pillowcases, or what you thought about in the bathroom. Tell me anything other than your fantasy football shenanigans.

The NCAA tournament is the only comparable time to these excruciating months. It is especially rough at IU, where most collegians fill out a bracket.

For the month of March, I tire of hearing how everyone had Davidson in the Elite Eight.

I love sports, but I don’t care.

Please, engage me with anything else.

Lately, my defense to people telling me about their league is to berate them with comments about my fantasy NASCAR league. Unfortunately, that bores both of us and has me wondering why I am in a fantasy NASCAR league to begin with.

Maybe that’s the good thing about NASCAR — no one wants to talk about it. If only everyone was in a NASCAR league, the world would be a much more tolerable place.

So, tell me about your NASCAR league. Tell me about your grandparent’s cabin. Tell me about your new sweater. Just spare me the endlessly boring comments about your fantasy football league.

Anyway, my fantasy football draft was last night. I got a total bargain in the second round. Email me, and I’d love to tell you about my team!

­— lewicole@indiana.edu
Follow columnist Cole Lewis on Twitter @ColeThenLewis.