Might as well put the snakes back on the plane

In case you missed it, the Transportation Security Administration is now allowing small knives in carry-ons.

It used to be safe to assume anything needing to be sheathed for protection (excluding sexual innuendos) shouldn’t be allowed on flights.

As someone who grew up overseas and made countless trips back and forth between countries, I feel my years having learned to expertly navigate TSA guidelines are wasted. This comes as a slap in the face. Having witnessed diabetic needles — life saving medical treatment — hold up lines in airports, I’m shocked to hear sharp, pointy things made expressly for stabbing are permitted. What possible, logical reason could there be that a knife would be a requisite travel amenity pre-destination?
Is this part of Mark Wahlberg’s scheme to combat future terrorism? If so, it seems counterproductive.

Having taken a look at the knives now regulated for travel, which must have blades shorter than 2.36 inches, I’m surprised the new TSA risk-based security committee doesn’t find them a threat. The committee is part of an effort to focus on “higher risk items” such as explosives.

But of the many things excluded from being immediately attainable during a flight, knives are one that actually makes sense. They’re responsible for death. At the hands of other people.

Isn’t the whole point of TSA to explicitly prevent those things? Isn’t the TSA one big reminder that people aren’t trustworthy?

If we’re allowing knives on planes, I want my shampoo back. And I want the following objects approved, too:

Razors

What if I forgot to shave them hairy legs? I want to be beach-ready when I land.

Scissors

What if I’m about to meet my eHarmony lover for the first time and decide I need a new haircut from metal pointed tips longer than four inches?

Swords

What if I need to cut up very long lines of cocaine mid-flight?

Spear guns

Flights over the ocean are prime locations for harpooning whales.

Cattle prods

These would be hugely helpful in getting people out of the way to find my seat.

Brass knuckles

Can openers.

Throwing stars

No more crying babies.

Torch lighters

What if my chicken or pasta is too cold and only the thin needle-like flame “more intense than those from common lighters” can heat my food?

Dynamite

What if the plane toilet needs unclogging?

Ultimately, you could make any number of ridiculous arguments that your property is necessary mid-flight, but at the end of the day, TSA guidelines are elaborate and annoying and abhorrent for a reason: To be as thoroughly safe as possible.

But if knives are being allowed, “thorough” is no longer an accurate description. I don’t feel safe knowing any number of my seatmates could be carrying a deadly weapon on their person. Because that’s what knives are — weapons.

If snowglobes are subjected to inspection, knives should definitely trump them on the approved carry-on list.

­— ashhendr@indiana.edu