What your spring break destination says about you

Bloomington will become a ghost town next week as students disperse on their travels and likewise celebrate as the Greeks and Romans did before us.

However, where students go says a lot about them. Allow me to break it down for you.

Cruise: You’re down to get weird. And there’s no place to get more weird, and more bronze, than in the middle of some ocean. Bloomington students have been in 30-degree weather for way too long. All in all, this group of students is full of great decisions. Suns out, guns out.

Home: You’re a procrastinator. That’s all there is to it. You put off making plans until it’s too late. You’ll probably rationalize this move by looking forward to some home cooking, laundry and even a clean house — but that’s about it. Have fun living with regrets.

Mexico: You’re really only going because all of your friends are going. But that’s OK. You’ve probably put in too much time at the gym to waste spring break at home. You’re down to have a good time. And so are your friends. So this should be fun.

Las Vegas: Oh, God. You’re ready to make some mistakes. But it’s OK, because it’s culturally acceptable to do so in Vegas. The good news is your gym routine for the current semester can be pretty laid back. Your competition for honeys in Vegas are either strange, saggy, gambling-addicted men or older dudes who are out of their primes but for some reason still think they’re in it.

Florida: These students are similar to the Mexico crew, but maybe a tad bit more logical. You won’t have to worry about drug lords taking you hostage, so that’s a positive. I imagine all of Florida listens to Sisqo’s “Thong Song” on repeat for this week, so you’re going to have a good time. Enjoy the beach and come back bronze, because when break ends, it’s back to the frozen tundra of Indiana.

California: The type of person who goes to California for spring break is honestly my favorite person on campus. They’re just so chill. Every week is spring break for them, so they’ll just sit back and enjoy some gnarly waves for a week. Huge shout out y’all — keep it up.

Texas: Oh my God, these students clearly know what’s good. And I’m not saying that because I’m from Houston. South Padre is one of the best spring break spots. You’re essentially getting Mexico weather without the sketchiness and with better food and nicer people. If you’re checking out Austin, enjoy a city that’s basically Bloomington on steroids. All in all, you’re a great decision-maker.

Europe: It’s no secret that the sole reason these students are traveling halfway across the globe is to reunite with their friends abroad. But they’re making a huge mistake. If you’re going to Europe you need to go for more than a week. But, hey, I’m not the one paying for the airfare.  These students are probably loaded and probably regret not studying abroad themselves.

Bloomington: You’re still here? Have fun with that. You’re like the people who go home, except you’re here.

All in all, I think we can agree that spring break is easily one of the top five inventions of all time. See you guys on the other side.

­— awcohn@indiana.edu