What this columnist can do for you

If you’re literate, I’m sorry about the title of this column, because it’s deliberately deceiving you about the content ahead.

If you aren’t literate, then it’s likely you’re just seeing these funny shapes in your peripheral vision.

You’re actually studying the picture of my face over to the side, burning that image into your memory just in case the day ever comes when you have to give an answer to the police officer who’s asking for a description of the suspect who abused and kidnapped your children.  

Here’s what this columnist can’t do for you.

1. Talk About Guns. Forget that it’s currently the national discussion taking place on every street corner, TV network and newspaper.

This topic has received all too much attention, so I won’t be talking with you about gun rights, gun control, gun culture or the argument most gun rights advocates have been too shy to say publicly: that gun rights exist to arm the public in case a tyrannical government needs to be violently overthrown.

Such a government might, just thinking hypothetically here, work with large banks to spy on, infiltrate and destroy a non-violent protest movement. Or collect all electronic communication occurring within its borders. Or indefinitely incarcerate citizens without trial on the suspicion that they might commit crimes.

Or it might overthrow peaceful and democratically elected foreign heads of state because they aren’t willing to subjugate their people to the demands of an American company wanting to extract their country’s natural resources. It might replace those leaders with oppressive dictators who are willing to obey the corporations in exchange for the power of law and military might.

A very controlling, murderous, Orwellian government like the one I just mentioned might be one gun control advocates should have in mind when defending their views.

2. Change Opinions. An epiphany cannot occur in 450-550 words. If you agree with the content of an article, then you might learn a couple of new supporting facts. If you don’t agree with it, you’ll rationalize why it’s wrong and dismiss it. An in-depth analysis is impossible in this format, so again, that picture of my leering head is still up there if you’re really in the mood to face something uncomfortable.

3. Apologize to my Ex-Girlfriends. I’ve been a rude, mean, irresponsible, inconsiderate person before, and the idiocy of some of my past actions hasn’t set well with me. In fact, it seems to have made me rather grumpy and cynical about quite a lot of things.

But now that I’m not only being published, but paid handsomely as well for this personality defect, it’s safe to say that society is rewarding my elitist and impatient character. Saying ‘sorry’ now would be like a slap in the face to those who use my opinions for their own advantage.

4. Write About Humorous Distractions. Unlike other columnists, you won’t find me writing about something disgraceful to the journalistic profession just for a cheap read.

No, I ought to tell you something useful, some facet of the big picture that doesn’t get seen by most and will make you grumpy. But be warned that repeating the truth often makes you sound like the village idiot. Welcome.

­— tydthomp@indiana.edu