Remembering a comrade

This summer I experienced a loss. A member of a small leftist Internet forum that I belong to committed suicide. His name was Trey.

I don’t think it would be fair to say we were friends. I simply hadn’t been a member of the forum long enough.

But Trey was a key member of the community, and his sense of humor was an everyday presence in my life. His passion for understanding others was inspiring, and his fury at the injustices of the world was palpable.

I know that Trey’s loss was harder on those who had known him longer. The community was devastated.

Trey’s death forced me to recall my own history with depression and suicidal
ideation.

I spent the second half of my freshman year in a dark place. I had been depressed for a long time, but everything felt magnified by college.

I thought the death of my father when I was a child had gouged a deep hole in me and that I had seen death too early for it to ever be filled. I was convinced everyone around me was blissfully unaware of pain.

Worst of all, I was addicted to the idea that my anguish made me special. No matter how much I hurt, how could I ever look for a cure for the thing that made me unique?
Instead of taking notes in class, I would sit quietly and mentally draft different versions of my suicide note.

I spent my nights fantasizing about an X-Acto knife lurking in my desk.

Somehow I found the courage to enroll in therapy. The first time I snuck into the IU Health Center I thought I would throw up in the lobby, but it saved my life.

Many people aren’t so lucky. I can remember at least two suicides at IU during my time here. There are nearly one million suicide attempts in America every year, and someone successfully takes their own life every 13.7 minutes.

Trey was a survivor of sexual assault, and in the note he left he lashed out at those who trivialize rape through comedy and then hide behind the veil of free speech.

He knew that the words we use reverberate outwards and affect our entire society.

It’s time we acknowledge the damage we do when we discount the pain of depression and suicide.

All too often we ignore the obvious warning signs in others or simply tell them to cheer up.

Jokes about suicide are used to express frustration or for crude shock value, but there’s nothing shocking to them.

There’s only the banality of hurting others. Before we speak we must consider what those around us might be feeling and hiding.

I can’t think of a more fitting tribute to Trey than for his life and his words to echo through our campus and to change the way we live with and love one another.

If you are struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please call Counseling and Psychological Services at 812-855-5711.

­— atcrane@indiana.edu