Kinsey Confidential

How unsafe is anal sex without a condom? Are there any ways to do this without a condom to make it safe? Does doing it once or twice put you in serious danger?

It’s not that anal sex is a dangerous activity per se. Rather, it’s that unprotected anal sex — meaning anal sex without a condom — with a partner who has an infection makes anal sex risky. Because the anus doesn’t lubricate on its own and is more prone to tearing than the vagina, anal sex carries greater risk for passing sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, such as chlamydia, gonorrhea and HIV.

If you want to have anal sex without a condom, the most important thing is for you and your partner to get tested for STIs. You might want to go together to get tested and also go together when you have your results read. Then you will have more information with which to make your choices. Keep in mind, though, that your STI tests are only true as of the day you have the tests done. If one or both of you goes out and has sex with other people, thereby putting oneself at risk of STIs again, then you may want to continue using condoms until you know that you two are being sexually exclusive.

Some people choose not to ejaculate in the anus or rectum as a means of reducing the risk of STI transmission. Pulling the penis out of the anus and then ejaculating elsewhere — such as in one’s own hand, in a towel or on a partner’s back — does not remove the risk of STI transmission, but it is one strategy that some people use to minimize risk of exposure to sexual fluids.

You might also consider ways to use a condom that are more pleasurable. Adding lubricant to the outside of the condom, and sometimes a small bit of lubricant in the inside tip of the condom, can increase pleasure. You might also look for a looser fitting condom that some men in independent testing have found to help sex feel more natural and pleasurable, and less constricting.

You can learn more about STIs and condom use on the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website, cdc.gov, and more about safer sex and pleasure on our Kinsey Confidential website.

Does it hurt when you tear your hymen?

No, it doesn’t necessarily hurt when a woman’s hymen tears. Some women experience the gradual tearing and wearing away of their hymen as they engage in vaginal penetration as part of masturbation or vaginal fingering with a partner. Other women tear their hymen for the first time when they experience penile-vaginal intercourse or use a sex toy such as a dildo or vibrator that’s inserted in the vagina.

Some women find this initial penetration to be just somewhat uncomfortable and others find it painful. In part this is probably because there’s considerable variation from woman to woman in regard to the size and thickness of the hymen, which is the blood vessel-filled tissue that covers part of the vaginal opening. The level of discomfort or pain also probably varies a bit because women vary in how they perceive pain. Just as some women and men find dental procedures to be very painful or scary and others don’t, the same is true for sex. Thanks to different pain thresholds and different ways our bodies are built, people will always experience discomfort and pain a little differently, even from the same experiences.

To learn more about readiness for sex and what to expect early on from sex, check out “S.E.X.” by Heather Corinna. You might also find it helpful to check out the Scarleteen website aimed at younger women and men and features a number of discussions related to virginity, first-time sex and tearing of the hymen.

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, a research scientist at IU and the author of five books about sex including “Great in Bed” and “Sex Made Easy.” Find our blog, sex information and archived Q&A at KinseyConfidential.org.