How to not look like a tool at the gym

Rule #10: Don’t be the basketball guy with the shooting sleeve. We both know you’re not that good, as does everyone on this campus. You were probably a decent player in high school. Congrats bro. We all were. But that was 15 pounds and 100 $2 Tuesdays ago. No one playing at the Student Recreational Sports Center or School of Public Health is good enough to rock the arm sleeve. That’s just the sad truth of our athletic prowess at this point in our lives, so don’t take it personally.

Rule #9: Don’t be the water fountain loogie guy. I hate you more than anyone on this campus. I get that you’re sick and I applaud you for working out despite your illness. But when I’m exhausted and want a water break, I don’t want to be nose deep in your mucus. Seriously. Just go to a trash can. It’s not that hard.

Rule #8: Don’t be the cell phone guy. Look broseph, I love my iPhone 5 too, or whatever subpar Android smartphone you think is equivalent. But the gym is one giant rotation. These machines aren’t yours. They’re everyone’s. So stop with the Angry Birds, do your reps and move on.

Rule #7: Wipe up your station after you’re done. No one wants to deal with your sweat puddles. I may be the sweatiest guy on campus, but I still have the decency to clean up after myself and you should too.

Rule #6: Don’t stand right in front of the weights. I know we all like to stare at our bodacious bods while we lift, but you’re standing in literally the most inconvenient place in the gym. Just move a couple steps back, bro.

Rule #5: Guys, stop wearing those toe shoes. “Oh, but they give me optimum grippage for maximized velocity output.” I’m sorry but in the grand scheme of things you just look stupid if you’re wearing them and not kayaking. Just wear regular shoes.

Rule #4: Don’t be cargo shorts guy. Don’t wear them in the gym or anywhere else if we’re being completely honest. There are lockers available everywhere, so I’m not sure what you really need on your person that normal pockets won’t hold.

Rule #3: Stop wearing a snapback hat to the gym. Who are you? That hat costs like $30 and now you’ve gotten it all sweaty and nasty. That’s just a dumb decision. Oh, you want to wick the sweat from your head? If you have the family jewels to rock a hat to the gym, just go with a headband instead.

Rule #2:  Don’t wear the high school apparel. Look, we all did sports in the past. It’s time to get over it. The only acceptable throwback sporting apparel is baller Little League or YMCA jerseys.

Rule #1: This goes for everything in life, but it mostly pertains to the basketball court. Don’t be the person that starts arguments. In both the long and short run, whatever you’re yapping about doesn’t really matter. And you’re taking this pickup game way too seriously.

­— awcohn@indiana.edu