Hold the salt

“It’s that time of year when the world falls in love.”

It’s doubtful “old blue eyes,” Frank Sinatra, was referring to the winter obsession college females have with Ugg boots.

It’s a love affair that begins in fall at the browning of the first leaf. Females across the Bloomington campus scamper to their closets to reunite with an old friend they haven’t seen since the spring chill ended, unless they’re everyone’s favorite Ugg-lover who pairs the sheepskin and suede boots with miniskirts and shorts. They’re the ones in stores and online having an internal debate on tan versus black, while secretly wondering if they can convince their parents to buy both.

As an apparel merchandising major, I feel it’s my responsibility to educate the masses about the limitations of this Australian import. We’ve all seen the ads, but, regardless of what Ugg-endorsed NFL quarterback Tom Brady says, they aren’t unisex. I’ve seen the males on this campus, and, as they don’t look like him, there’s really no excuse. The only line of Ugg shoes acceptable for those with Y chromosomes is the slipper. Should you be fuzzy about where slippers are acceptable, I’ll remind you: home and Walmart.

Uggs aren’t all-weather shoes. They’re suede and deserve to be treated as such. This means any form of weather involving water should disqualify Uggs from that day’s outfit.

IU likes to make feeble attempts at convincing students they care about their safety in the winter by salting the sidewalks. When I say salt, I’m not referring to the dash of spice you use to add flavor to your eggs at brunch. I’m alluding to the lead hand Subway workers use when seasoning your sandwich. That helpless feeling you get knowing every bite of your lunch will bring you one step closer to coronary disease is irreplaceable. My grudge against the brunette who ruined my beloved Black Forest ham sandwich aside, the real issue is the misuse of Uggs.

Salt is mean. It corrodes arteries, cliffs and coincidentally, Uggs. Maybe the seasoning is as salty as I am about the misguided female population. Or, perhaps, it’s just doing what it does best. Regardless, we all see your salt-lined shoes and raise you a peppered glove. Do yourself and your Uggs a favor and spray your shoes before you wear them.

­— johnsbrl@indiana.edu