Let's get sad

If you’re anything like me, you’ve spent the last few weeks lying on the couch watching the economic meltdown of Europe and the unfolding of the 2012 election — desperately shoveling ice cream sandwiches down your gullet with one hand and flipping through the news with a sticky remote in the other.

Pick your poison: MSNBC, CNBC, CNN or Fox News. All of them have taken the time to remind us that the world as we know it is about to collapse and,  sometimes, why we should feel personally responsible for it.

But hey, not all of the news is bad. Some 21-year-old just graduated from the University of Chicago with a doctor of medicine.

When I was 21, I was still learning how to walk and take a drink at the same time. Good for him, I guess. He sounds like a nice, accomplished young man. I bet he has a bright future ahead of him, filled with money and the affection of his loved ones.
What were we talking about? Oh right, the end of the world.

So, May’s job numbers came out last week: 69,000 new jobs. That doesn’t even catch up with population growth. What’s worse, they revised the last two months’ numbers down as well. Since it looks like my chances for gainful employment aren’t too strong, I suppose I’ll take another day-destroying nap and buy more Dollar Tree ice cream sandwiches.

George Soros, billionaire investor, has been saying that if the Eurozone and the Euro are to stick together, “It would be a German empire with the periphery as the hinterland.”

That sounds a little “World Warry” to me. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that — almost as uncomfortable as thinking about Hugh Hefner getting back together with his runaway bride, Crystal Harris. She’s just in it for the money; how sad.

Now all I can think about is Hefner’s old dangly-bits and the fickle nature of wealth-based relationships.

Which reminds me that Tiger Woods won the 2012 Memorial Tournament. I’m glad; he seemed like he wasn’t doing so well emotionally or physically after having all of those affairs with hot women and divorcing his hot wife. He was able to pull through with perseverance, initiative and cooperation. I wish I could say the same thing about my president and Congress.

In their defense, it is an election year, so I shouldn’t expect much from the people who lead the country. They need to spend their time wisely, pointing fingers to raise money.

When I was a child I once got in trouble while working on a group project. I just sat there with my arms crossed, blaming our stagnation on uncooperative partners, but then my teacher told me to deal with it. I’d say the same thing to President Obama, but it might be unfair to hold him up to the same leadership standards of a 5th grader.

But it’s whatever, man.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu