Lil 5 guide for the anti-socialites

I’m so antisocial I don’t know what antisocial people do.

So, half of this column will be a guess, and half of it will be what I did last year. And it will all be a cold dose of reality.

Ignore the stupid Facebook memes and the tweets. Little 500 isn’t going to be legendary. It will be painful.

It is a time of camaraderie, in which the underdeveloped section of a greek student’s brain that feels shame is completely shut off for a week.

Nightly parties. Drunken classes. The vague but ubiquitous smells of beer and sweat.

Social butterflies emerge from their wintry cocoons and raw-dog randoms. The antisocial are lepers, except it would be preferable to have an arm fall off than to be antisocial during Little 500.

Literally, I once watched as a guy with one arm left a party with two women on each side.

Last year, two friends of mine got drunk at noon and went to our econ class a half an hour late in cut-offs and shorts, with a beer in each cargo pocket.

They left 10 minutes later through the front door of the lecture hall.

This is how the story was told to me, at least. I skipped that class to play Xbox.

If you do get drunk, do it alone. People are obnoxious when they’re drunk.

Eventually, though, you will have to go to a party. This is an area of major concern for the antisocial because parties get busted. The key is to get drunk enough to not care if the party is busted but to be sober enough to handle that event with the grace and poise required to slip out of a side door and go hide in the forest for half an hour.

That level of inebriation requires, unfortunately, more alcohol than leaning against the wall with a solo cup, still full of beer after half an hour of warming in your hand, will provide.

And no, watching attractive people dance does not get you drunker, just sadder.

Oh, and that girl you went to high school with, the one who’s visiting for the weekend? She’s not here for you, so don’t even worry about that. She’s going home with the one-armed guy.

P.S. — The Student Recreational Sports Center is open until 11:30 p.m. today.

­— shlumorg@indiana.edu