From bitterly single to happily commited

After spending my New Year’s Eve in the fine company of my fine boyfriend — the new year marking the ever-closer milestone of a one-year anniversary — I can say that my relationship gives me great joy.

Some of my friends say to me, “Kelly, you have a handsome and caring boyfriend! You’re so happy! How can I achieve this level of relationship success?”

No one actually says that, but they are amazed I’m in such a happy, healthy relationship, and they’re admittedly confused as to how it works.

I’ve dated, both seriously and casually, my fair share of duds.

God knows all you bitter or non-bitter singles out there probably feel how I used to. I was pretty content being a gal about town, and I had no patience for the mushy musings of my committed friends.

So, if you’re like that, you might hate me a little bit. But take it from the former bitterest-single-in-all-the-land: I’ve changed my ways.

I’m not going to try to give relationship advice to the men out there. Obviously, I’m not a man, so my perspective is a little skewed.

But, as a hyper-observant hetero girl, I think I can give some words of wisdom to other hetero girls.

We all deserve a little healthy romance to start our new year right. Your level of romantic commitment is up to you, but if you want a healthy relationship, consider the following.

Most people don’t demand enough from their significant others, and vice versa. Mutual respect is probably the most important thing you can have.

Just because he took care of you when you were drunk doesn’t me he treats you right. A little chivalry is nice, even for a feminist like myself, but it takes more than opening doors and lending a coat on a cold night.

For some reason, the women of our generation are taught not to expect much from men. I try not to buy into that mentality. After all, we’re big girls who can think for ourselves.

But I keep seeing my friends put up with the shenanigans of the guys in their lives as they allow increasingly more offensive behavior to slide because “that’s just how guys are.”

If a man you’re interested in wants to have a crazy college time, that’s fine.

But if he wants to give his number to other women, grind with other women, spend copious amounts of questionably platonic time with other women or hook up with other women in any way, he shouldn’t be in a relationship.

That’s what being single is for. It’s not your job to hold your man down if he’s not going to hold you down. Period. And the same goes for you.

If you’re committed, honor your commitment. If you like someone enough to be in a relationship with them, it follows that you probably like them enough to try to stay in that relationship.

As the perennially wise “Guy Code” says, “Any girl can have your thing, but not any girl can have your heart.” Your ideal situation is probably to be with a guy who realizes that.

Another important lesson I’ve learned is how silly games are. They’re admittedly exciting in a masochistic kind of way when you’re a singlet, but if you really want the long haul, games will get you nowhere.

My current relationship started off right because the person I’m with doesn’t play games. He says what he’s thinking. It was incredibly intimidating at first.

I wasn’t used to giving or getting total honesty, which seems pitiful, but is increasingly the norm. Constantly wondering where you are in your relationship is no good. You need to be open and ask the same from him.

If one or both of you can’t give that, it’s time to examine whether you want a relationship or something a little more casual.

Some girls like to be with boys who treat them badly because it’s a rush. If you’re dating an ass, the fact that he pays any attention to you in the first place is kind of flattering.

But an ass is an ass. If you go into a relationship with the intent of changing someone, it won’t end well for you.

The other person has to want to change out of respect and affection for you. The best relationships are the ones that make you want to be the best person possible.

Spending your time upset because your man doesn’t want to behave in the way you’d like him to is pretty pointless. 

I’m not suggesting we all settle down on a couch with someone for the rest of the semester, but I am suggesting we all think a little harder about what we want from the opposite sex.

There are a lot of broken hearts on this campus. We’re all here for school, but our romantic encounters are one of the most exciting parts of our college career.

Hell, we’re all pretty much in our prime; don’t spend what are arguably the four most attractive years of your life striking out.

In the end, your romantic life isn’t about what the men in your life do, it’s what you do about the men in your life.

Be honest, respectful and realistic with both yourself and him, and good things will inevitably follow.

­— kelfritz@indiana.edu