I'm sweating bullets over here

The temperatures during the past few weeks have been obscene. Despite the fact that we’re now firmly in autumn, the weather remains sweltering.

The leaves are turning, Halloween is right around the corner and pumpkin lattes are flowing, but the weather forecasts are still dotted with highs in the 80s.

No one would complain if the weather was somewhere between frigid and sweltering and if shorts and jackets could coexist. But that isn’t the case. Instead, we’re faced with the worst of both worlds.

The mornings are cold enough that a glacier inching its way down Third Street wouldn’t seem out of place, while the afternoons are hot enough to sear the flesh off your bones.

If you’re living the stereotypical college life and dragging yourself out of bed at noon, you may not have noticed the discrepancy. But those of us with more rigorous schedules, i.e., morning lectures or work, are faced with a dilemma.

We can dress for the afternoon and show up to class with icicles dangling from our extremities, or we can dress for the morning and dread spending the afternoon dripping with grotesque amounts of sweat.

Worse, the dilemma is not going away anytime soon. The forecast says we’re in for another week of ice-cold mornings and desert afternoons.

This is completely ludicrous.

Some of us are old enough to remember Halloweens when it actually snowed, but this year it wouldn’t be surprising if the jack-o’-lanterns rot away in the heat while desperate children shovel rapidly melting candy into their mouths.

Who is to blame for this turn of events?

We could note that last month was one of the hottest Septembers on record in many states and decide that global climate change is finally making its appearance by mildly inconveniencing us.  

Or we could decide that this is divine retribution for our country’s many sins.
After all, how long could we really expect to indulge in reality television and political bickering without a little punishment from above?

But this isn’t about assigning blame. This is supposed to be the time of year that hipsters layer vintage pea coats and sorority girls pull on their cherished North Face gear.

This is about the absurdity of having no choice but to wear shorts in October.

­— atcrane@indiana.edu