Is it penny-pinching or xenophobia?

Thanks to the efforts of the Indiana General Assembly we can all rest easy knowing undocumented foreigners will be put back into their already desperate place.

Of the 42,181 IU-Bloomington students, there were 21 undocumented students sucking up all of our financial resources — absolutely all of them. I’m sure we can all agree those freeloading foreigners are the root cause of the $14 trillion debt our nation is trying to get out of and probably why my roommate’s puppy keeps laying salty diarrhea all over the dining room floor, too.

I know I lost a lot of sleep, and apparently my peers have as well. In an IDS poll on Tuesday Sept. 6, 52 percent of the students thought screwing over less than .001 percent of the student body was “necessary and cost-driven.”

Phew, for a second there I thought I was just being xenophobic, but apparently I can just hide behind the shield of penny pinching.

I mean, we’re looking at some serious money — less than two-tenths of one percent of our entire budget.

Using some simple mathematics we find that the state will save more than $426,827.10 if the undocumented students paid their rightful out-of-state dues. But I guess since that one guy dropped out, it’s more like $406,502.

Still, this is a triumph for all, because now we can afford McRobbie’s pay raise and IU Mobile’s new crash-upon-start function that’s a hit with the kids.

Oh, and we can afford to remodel the Union’s cafeteria so students can eat overpriced sushi and premium salads.

All at the expense of the future livelihood of a handful of undocumented students.The policy not only makes it so those 21 students have to pay out-of-state tuition, but it also takes away any state-sponsored scholarship money they might have received.
 
This makes plenty of sense, because now that we know they’re undocumented, we know they couldn’t possibly be smart anymore.

Some people tell me, “Hey, fella, if they’re undocumented their family probably struggles to make ends meet. How are they supposed to pay for tuition now?”

Like real Americans, through massive amounts of debt. However, since they are undocumented they probably cannot get a loan legally. Maybe they’ll just have to sell drugs or something. I don’t know, it’s not my problem.

Let’s keep thinking about the obvious positives to this situation. Consider the inconvenience those 21 students made on our already bustling campus.

What if they were all in line for the Starbucks in the Union? That would really slow down my morning. Thank goodness they probably can’t afford coffee anymore.

Or what if they all signed up for the same class because it was required for their majors, and now there isn’t enough room for you, too?

Well, crisis averted everybody, because one of them already dropped out. Who knows how long the others will be able to stick around?

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu