I pay taxes and I did not cause the recession

Today I’ve decided that I am incorporating myself. I’m going to sell stuff rich people like. For example, the green straws at Starbucks and smugness.

Some of the benefits of incorporation include: barely paying taxes, stock options and low chances of conviction.

The first and last options are what really clinched the deal for me.

There is really no downside to this, except it might make getting a marriage license and opening a joint bank account more challenging.

However, I still think I would lead a much more successful and fulfilling life as Jacobs Global Inc. There are so many ways to get around paying taxes through special loopholes and tax breaks for corporations.

In 2008, the Government Accountability Office released a seven-year study that discovered 55 percent of American companies paid no income taxes at all in at least one of those years.

That’s what I like to hear. I can’t be bothered to pay taxes; I’ve got rich people things to do — like not creating jobs and shopping for cuff links.

Only $191 billion was raised from corporate income taxes in 2010, a measly 9 percent of all the revenues for that year. That’s great because why should I have to pay for the benefits of poor people like public transportation?

With all the money I’ll save not paying taxes, I’ll finally be able to afford a car. Maybe not gas, but I’ll at least be able to roll down 10th Street in neutral.

What’s more, I’ll still be able to receive all of the benefits of a citizen. For more than 100 years, corporations have been considered persons by the Supreme Court.

They’re slightly different, however. Kind of like a super saiyan citizen.

They get to give as much money as they want to political candidates. No longer will I be limited to the cap of $2,500 to any individual candidate. I’ll be able to give as much as I want to Newt Gingrich.

I suppose the reason why corporations get to contribute as much as they want is because only rich people know who should be in office.

I mean, think about it. Poor people make bad decisions. That’s why they’re poor right? It would be awful if they got to choose their own candidates.

Another great upside of incorporation is bypassing the justice system. You can’t be arrested or convicted.

Even if you absolutely wreck the economy by giving it a Subprime Technical Default, or STD, you’ll never get in trouble. And if all else fails, you can just scapegoat someone on the inside — perhaps one of your kidneys.

I’ve heard people are concerned about fairness among super saiyan citizens.

If Exxon Mobil is considered a person, why didn’t they pay even one red penny to the Internal Revenue Service despite their $45 billion profit in 2009?

If banks like Goldman Sachs and Bank of America are considered people, why didn’t they get arrested, convicted or even a stern talking to when they dragged us down into a recession?

My only response is shut up and stop being so logical. Go do poor people things, like paying taxes.  

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu