If You Do This, I Hate You

You know what really bakes my scrod? Websites that do not have adequate search capabilities.

If your website doesn’t give me what I want when I want it, then you should know that I hate you and wish a tumorous pox upon your children.

This is not just a casual hate, but a severe, psychotic loathing that is expressed through a collection of poorly drawn stick-figure comics.

Most search bars in websites are mere trolls. They have no intention of actually providing you with the information you requested.

This is beyond a simple annoyance. Dysfunctional search bars make me rage uncontrollably.

Sometimes it makes me so mad, I swear at them. I threaten their lives with violence, but the silly machine still doesn’t care.

Sometimes you can brute force a search using the “Site:” function.

A website without a proper search utility is like a textbook without a table of contents — worthless.

So why do most websites fail to provide this access?

The first few reasons that come to mind were drug abuse, laziness and spite. Possibly all at the same time too.

How can this problem be solved? Thankfully, there is Google.

Google almost never fails me. I’ve written about how much Google means to me. Google is my best friend and tour guide for exploring the Internet and life.

We’ve had so many good times, like when we found an archive of old Pete and Pete episodes or when we discovered pornography.

Google’s loyalty is admirable, it’s brought me some awful stuff from the armpit of the Internet that would make Bing shudder.

I love that Google knows what I want even if I spell every word wrong.

I can spit gibberish at Google and it will present me with my request as if I wasn’t blackout drunk, typing with my fists.

I think that Google should get moderator status on the Internet. I should be able to search every nasty nook and cranny of the Internet.

It should have access to government documents, dental records and pretty much anything else incriminating.

But for the love of all that is science, let Google do its magic on websites like the Library of Congress and LexisNexis because information databases tend to have the most god awful search engines.

It shouldn’t take me more than five seconds to find the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform Act or the Affordable Care Act, let alone search inside these laws.

I don’t want to scroll through nearly 2,000  pages of vaguely worded spittle just to find there really isn’t a death panel.

I mean, if Google could accurately search every single website and database connected to the Internet, Fox News would get shut down within hours because people would be able to personally search for Osama’s long-form
death certificate.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu