iPad 2 and shattering the debt ceiling

Did you know that there is a maximum amount of money the government can borrow? It’s called the debt ceiling, which we’ve had since 1917 as a way to finance our entrance into World War I.

Since 1917, the debt ceiling has been an indicator of the size of the federal government. The first debt ceiling was about $11.5 billion. Within the last decade it’s been raised 10 times, just about once per year, doubling from $5.95 trillion to $12.39 trillion in 2009.

Think of it as the glass ceiling of government finance. I use that term pejoratively because the debt ceiling only holds us back as a nation. Anytime I see a glass ceiling I always want to shatter it. Think about all the cool stuff we could have if the government had an infinite amount of money?

Screw government-run health care — that is not a justifiable expense to me, especially with the chance that the money might go toward experimental treatments like abortion or ibuprofen. I think everyone in America deserves to have an iPad 2, even toddlers.

I understand there is a reason we have a maximum debt. The government doesn’t want us to have nice things. This is something we all know. When they say we must become “fiscally responsible” what they really mean is “Let’s keep all the iPad 2s for
ourselves.”

If everyone had an iPad 2 we could have a super-democracy. Like Total Request Live, but with social issues and senators. It would only take a few months before Lady Gaga became the first woman president — which I’m sure would piss off the much more qualified and way less creepy Hillary Clinton, which would subsequently make me laugh.

We could use iPad 2s as a substitute for low maturity bonds: three years or less. With all the sweet apps that are released daily, the value of your Liberty iPad 2 bond could only increase. Combine that with low interest rates and you have a solid investment.

About now you’re probably thinking that the government couldn’t spend $155 billion on iPad 2s — we’re at war, our budget is so imbalanced that mental ward patients are uncomfortable being around it. What about investing in Android devices?

Shut up, all of you.

Just enjoy your new iPad 2. Since we still have that debt ceiling we had to get rid of Planned Parenthood and NPR to afford it.

­— nicjacob@indiana.edu