Sad country songs and V-Day

How did you celebrate your Valentine’s Day?

Did you have a fancy night out at Scholar’s Inn Bakehouse or stay in and make it a movie night?

Monday was a wonderful time to enjoy the company of your companion doing whatever it is that couples do.

I remember this one time when I had a romantic candlelight dinner with a woman on Valentine’s Day.

We should all appreciate that once a year there is a time dedicated to love, chocolate and fuzzy warm feelings. I’ve been told this feeling is unrelated to indigestion.

Oh, who are we kidding? You probably did what I did: ordered Mother Bear’s, drank a 40 ounce of Old English 800 and sang along to sad country songs until your eyes stopped producing tears — not because you were done crying, but because you were physically dehydrated. Crying without tears kind of feels like dry heaving; it’s painful, but oh so cathartic.

It’s a sad existence we live, you and I. I don’t know who you are specifically, but you’re probably part of my target demographic, 18 to 24-year-old angry single college students. My people already understand that Valentine’s Day is a joke. The idea of proclaiming your love through blank-inside Hallmark cards and chocolate hearts is somehow conceited. No, it’s barely even a holiday; there’s nothing really that holy about it.

Valentine’s Day is like the Michelle Bachmann of holidays. Lots of people would rather it not get that much attention, but somehow the more it is ignored, the more relevant it becomes. In reality it should just be another day.

I guess what I did yesterday was what I was planning to do anyway, except normally I wouldn’t have ordered a heart-shaped Dante’s Inferno to eat by myself.

Let’s make a change. There’s no time for the customary week of drunken self-loathing that follows Valentine’s Day. Let’s put away our poorly written love poems. We should all pursue love with the unyielding lust of a restraining order.

Unless you actually do have a restraining order — then I cannot condone such behavior. I suppose that would be unlawful, and I’m not permitted to promote illegal activities. Except when I’m talking about underage drinking. Then it’s completely all right.

And when Valentine’s Day comes around next year, instead of ordering a teddy bear stuffed with smaller, bear-shaped chocolates and blood diamonds, just say “I love you” to your significant other and let that be that. This modesty will help relieve the anxiety of those poor, undesirable single people.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu