Don't mind the trolls

It is no secret that the Opinion section is the infamous hot spot for heated commentary from our readers. We’ve all been called the Gay Mafia with an overt mission to push our homoerotic — I mean — homosexual agenda. We’re constantly viewed as liberal kids who don’t know politics, even where IU Student Association is concerned. We always aim to please, but we just haven’t gotten the hang of it yet, and endless accusations online provide us with baffling entertainment.

My favorite recurring accusation would have to be anything involving a columnist exercising their privilege of being white and male.

It’s probably even more hilarious to me as the token black female of our editorial board.

And yes, before you read further, everything I say represents the way that all black people think. The voice of reasoning is here.

As I read through comments left for Steve Mech’s “Please, don’t reproduce” last Friday, I found myself actually cackling. In any case, I appreciate the art of trolling, and this column was top-notch.

For the uninformed, trolling is the act of suggesting something completely outrageous but leaving room for plausibility with the hope to evoke an emotional response from the  passionate and, well, gullible.

So, when Mech was informed by a reader that he was lucky to be “white and male and privileged” and was also crowned the new Hitler for suggesting that there actually are stupid people all around the world who shouldn’t reproduce (gasp), I bowed down in happiness for another win in the trolling community.

But, even better, I also came away wondering why I am never accused of flaunting my black privileges.

Oh, didn’t know there was such a thing?

Well, do I have a surprise for the masses.

There are certain privileges that we people (yes, we people) choose not to share, for the fear that one day someone will back us into a corner and admonish us for our audacity.

Okay, okay, on to the benefits of my racial standing.

Well, for one, I never have to go tanning. It’s a lovely thing to have a beautiful and rich brown skin tone all year-round.

I can always count on an abundance of assistance when I go to the mall, especially when I don’t need it. It is almost like having a personal assistant wherever I go. (Of course, the funny thing is that when I actually do need help, there is nobody in sight.
Must be a coincidence.)

Also, minorities always get scholarships, so money for tuition is never a hassle for me to get. I think that my fluency in Ebonics really helps to make me well-rounded asset in  academia.

Oh, and I’m a great dancer. In fact, people that have never seen me dance have somehow already been informed of how impeccably in sync my hips can move to any abstract beat.

When I feel like making a drastic change for the sake of rebellion, I don’t need to dye or cut my hair.

Nope. All I have to do is wear it in its natural napped afrotastic state, and I can do anything.

And finally, I’m the Webster of black culture anytime I am the only black person in the radius of my friend group or classroom.

Any question about black films, music or etiquette and I’m the master. It is as if I am the not-so-national spokesman of all-black-people-but-not-really.

Even if I ever seem outlandish or angry, it can be chalked up as my expression of turmoil for the Man and his oppression of my people.

On the other hand, when a troll of Caucasian descent introduces a semi-tactless argument (read: joke), he is insensitive to his luck and his place in a world of racial hierarchy.

Even a poke at the idea that someone isn’t worthy of bearing children (Sorry, some just aren’t) is an evil notion and comparable to Hitler.

All of my privileges tell me one thing: Being white is a hassle that I would never want to experience, and I would avoid flaunting it at all costs. The Man can’t even tell a good joke without a wag of the finger.

he world is just too unnecessarily harsh, and it is heartwarming to know that my black privilege makes it easy.

Troll on, folks. Troll on.


E-mail: aysymatz@indiana.edu