Creating a silver-screen classic

I know we’ve already had our fun poking at Will Smith’s plan to remake Annie, as he seems to be perpetuating a cycle of sweeping the legs out from under the stories beloved by our generation.

But let’s not forget the real culprit is Hollywood. In recent years, the film industry has generally lacked artistic credibility.

Seriously, Samuel L., “Snakes on a Plane”?

A mixture of the appropriate ingredients can make a blockbuster out of the stupidest ideas. Just mix in parts with sex and conflict, a dash of humor and unabashed emotional appeal, and you don’t even have to worry about those pesky components of plot and character development.

As someone who happens to have a lot of ludicrous abstractions floating around my mind, however, this trend seems more of a godsend than any real problem.

Having brainstormed various movie ideas and plot lines, I think I’ve found a winner. In his first role since he left to be Conan the Republican, imagine Arnold Schwarzenegger return to the silver screen and political office as Abraham Lincoln in “The  Emancipator.”

Historical liberties will, of course, have to be taken to make the story more entertaining.

First, the Underground Railroad will be an actual railroad
underground. Second, Harriet Tubman, portrayed by the luscious Halle Berry, will be the conductor of the train as well as Lincoln’s love interest. Finally, the entire Northern army will not appear in the film’s interpretation.

Instead, an elite commando unit made up of President Lincoln, Generals Grant and Sherman and Frederick Douglass will fight the South. Grant will have to be played by Sylvester Stallone, who talks like a drunk anyway, leaving Chuck Norris and Samuel L. Jackson to portray Sherman and Douglass. As for the Confederate leaders, Sean Connery and Ed Harris will fulfill the roles of Robert E. Lee and Jefferson Davis.

Furthermore, to make the return easier on the big guy, I’ve even recycled some of his more famous lines.

(Scene: Lincoln, Grant and Sherman hold off entire Confederate army to ensure the Underground Railroad’s escape. Harriet lovingly embraces Lincoln and boards with Douglass.)

Lincoln: Harriet, go now! Get to the Underground Choo-Choo!

Douglass: (fighting onboard) That’s it, I’ve had it with these mother!@$#ing Confederates on my mother%&@!ing train!

Most conveniently, Terminator’s instantly recognizable “I’ll be back” will be re-imagined as the tag line for the entire Emancipator franchise, “I’ll free blacks.”

Absolutely brilliant, right?

With the perfect combination of big names, violence, sex and patriotic appeal, guised in historical inaccuracy, “The Emancipator” seems primed and ready to explode into movie theaters everywhere.

And with America’s history of attending the increasingly insensitive films, why not?

Surely, it can’t be worse than “Tooth Fairy,” right?


E-mail: smech@indiana.edu