It's time to get a job

So it’s finally your time to shine.

After two months of licking stamps and alphabetizing a Rolodex, your supervisors have given you a task of substance: a power point presentation on broadband infrastructure.
The presentation is before everyone in your office, including your supervisor’s boss’s boss, the man who hates you the most. Rumor has it this is the litmus test for employment.

Here are some tips to make the presentation go as smoothly as possible and land you that $23,000-a-year entry level position.

First off: research. Some people recommend you hit up the Library of Congress or check the National Archives immediately. Indeed these are wonderful resources, but most people aren’t Internet experts as you are. Conducting research for a work presentation should be similar to what you did back in college.

Have you ever used LexisNexis Academic?

Neither have I.

Google works just fine for me. It will clear a direct path to the most trusted name in academics: Wikipedia.

Professors and administrators might disagree, but they’re just jealous they couldn’t use it when they were your age. My sentiment throughout college has been if it doesn’t have its own Wikipedia page, then it’s probably not very important. Am I right? C’monnnnnn.

Just be careful of getting lost there. It’s only a few tangential clicks from a harmless topic such as “Internet Penetration” to some not-safe-for-work articles on other kinds of penetration. 

And honestly, don’t spend too much time doing research. You don’t want to look like a suck up. Your superiors appreciate a little improv. It lets them know you got moxie. If they ask you a question that you don’t know how to answer, instead of being honest, just make up any old crap. They’ll probably believe it.

When making your PowerPoint presentation include plenty of clips from  YouTube. Anderson Cooper can explain any subject with more eloquence than you ever could, not to mention his poised figure will distract the audience from your obvious nervousness.

Oh, and you will be nervous. Think about it: The quality of your performance determines your employment. As this little egg spoils in that broken refrigerator you call a head, you’ll forget that you’re even presenting.

Words will be coming out of your mouth, but you don’t even know if they are the right ones. All you can do is think about how nervous you are and wonder if everyone else knows. Right about this time you’ll either throw up or get the shakes.

Fortunately there are plenty of lubricants you might ingest that will cure your sudden-onset Parkinson’s. 

The most commonly used is booze. I like to kick back and suckle on a 40 oz. of fine malt liquor before I even casually talk to a group larger than three people. Depending on how anxious you feel, you can choose between an ice-breaker like Old E and an outright party producer like Steel Reserve.  

Either way, you’re going to feel better than awesome and probably pick up a few business cards after the presentation. Welcome to the good life.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu