Save the Burlington Coat Factories

Listen, I’m a busy man.
 
When I’m not verbally abusing my family or trying to put up a border fence between my foreign-looking neighbor and I, I’m working my butt off at the IU Law Library to pay down my immense credit card debt. Therefore, I am bounded rationally to have someone else keep up with and interpret the news.

That’s why I watch Glenn Beck. He makes the news interesting by telling me what I should be angry about. I have no time for Wolf Blitzer’s monotone voice, and Anderson Cooper’s smooth features give me a fluttering feeling in my stomach that I suppress by re-reading the Bible.

Recently Glenn told me about a mosque that’s going to be built on sacred Burlington Coat Factory soil in New York City. Normally I couldn’t care less about east coast elitists, but I’ve been told this is a big deal.

If the Moslems build this mosque, the terrorists will win the war by some arbitrary rule that Fox News has created. I am scared of a future America where Burlington Coat Factories across the country are replaced by Islamic
cultural centers.

I’ve loved that store since my childhood. I remember being loaded up into our Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme station wagon and making the trip up to Indianapolis every November to buy a new coat. I would skip down the halls to where the kids’ jackets were kept. Every year I would beg and plead for a new blue Colts coat, and every year my father would lovingly swat me in the face.

I cherish these endearing memories, and to think that the Indy Burlington Coat Factory might share the same terrorist-generating fate of the NYC BCF sickens me.

This is a slippery slope we face as Christian God-fearing Americans if we let this mosque be built. If we let one Burlington Coat Factory be transformed into a terrorist recruitment center the others will surely fall as well. There are more than 400 BCF stores across 44 states, according to Hoovers.com.

This leaves fly-over states like Montana, South Dakota, West Virginia and Wyoming as strongholds against terrorists who undoubtedly hate us for our quality discount coats.

How can you help stop this?

Your outrage must be heard at your local Burlington Coat Factory. Look up the phone number of the Burlington Coat Factory in your hometown, and tell them they shouldn’t convert their building into a terrorist training camp.

They might not follow at first, but as the volume of calls increases, we will be understood.

If the manager gets belligerent it might imply the store is already in the hands of Moslems. In that case your only choice will be to buy a weapon, fortify your house, apartment or dorm, say goodbye to your loved ones and wait for the revolution.