It’s still just soccer

Who has two thumbs and doesn’t care about the World Cup? This guy — and you shouldn’t, either.

What about soccer is even remotely interesting? I guess you could say it’s a funny game to watch when grown men try their hardest to hit a ball with their faces. But other than those few NASCAR moments, it’s a low-scoring, boring game. But once every four years, Americans have to care about it.

All of a sudden, everyone is a soccer fan. People think back to their childhood soccer teams. The nostalgia gets to them as they remember when, back in the day, they scored on a dead ball. But they didn’t really care that much about soccer — because when they turned 10, they started playing good sports.

I know the history of soccer. I understand the weight of the rivalries countries have with each other, like the England-Germany rivalry and that of Brazil and Argentina. It’s a pretty awesome event, I agree. Solving hundreds of years of colonial frustration in a nonviolent ball game has its cathartic moments.

But let’s be real. There are only two sports in this world that are worth following: basketball and football.

Even with all this professed hatred of soccer, I still watched the England vs. USA game, but that’s just because the only other thing on TV was college baseball, which might be the only thing more boring than soccer.

Here are a few things that just don’t seem right about the World Cup.

First, the sportscasters for the World Cup are all wrong. I’ve never heard of any of them. It’s like the execs at ABC and ESPN were eating at an IHOP and hired their waiter and a few guys washing dishes in the back.

You can tell how unpopular the World Cup is because they couldn’t get Erin Andrews on the field. Even the Scripps National Spelling Bee got her on the scene making 13-year-old boys warm and uncomfortable.

The next thing I don’t like is when soccer players get injured — because they make a big deal about nothing.

“I stubbed my toe!” they scream.

Well, they need to stop rolling around on the ground and walk it off. Unless he blows out his knee, I don’t want to see a soccer player writhing in pain.

Why can’t they be as tough as basketball players? Last month, in Game 4 of the NBA’s Western Conference semifinals, Phoenix’s Steve Nash got an eye full of San Antonio Spur Tim Duncan’s elbow. He didn’t lie on the court crying about it. He got stitches midgame and got back to work. Nash led his team to a 107-101 win with only one good eye.

Speaking of 100-point games, I don’t like sports that can’t reach double-digit scores. By the end of the England vs. USA game, the score was tied 1-1. In the NBA Finals, there would be at least 40 points on the scoreboard by the end of the first half (from each team).

And how can you really be satisfied with a draw? I guess you could say you didn’t lose — but you still didn’t win, either. The score is mediocre, just like soccer.


E-mail: nicjacob@indiana.edu