Guilty admirations

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE LOVELY
From the quiet stacks at the Wells Library to the hustle and bustle on Kirkwood, IU students are whispering about their latest hookup story. Every week, my confidante Nancy and I talk out our proud and embarrassing highlights — from the different worlds of a daring, eccentric party girl and a good, preppy sorority sister — because the only thing we like better than cornhole is a scandalous gab.

For unexplainable reasons, tall, dark and handsome has never cut it for me. I am not saying that I would turn Bradley Cooper away if he knocked on my door, but my desire is drawn to abnormally interesting characters and traits.

Maybe it is those little brown shorts, but UPS men drive me crazy. They are strong men delivering packages (make the jokes to yourself please) in a dangerous door-less truck. I will not be calling the Ghost Busters.

At home, my UPS guy, Greg, and I have a secret handshake. Instead of the rock, paper, scissor routine, we exchange gestures of sign, sealed and delivered into a high-five. Little does Greg know that I am obsessed with him and actually get butterflies when I see the enormous brown truck pull into the driveway. 

Two words: Jack Nicholson. He is a wildcat on and off screen and protrudes a magnetic energy that you cannot help but gravitate toward. From playing an edgy free spirit in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” to a ruthless head mobster in “The Departed,” I find him irresistible.

If a magic genie came to me right now permitting me one wish, it would be to spend
an afternoon playing mini golf with Mr. Nicholson. We would probably break all the course rules and putt-putt our way into thrills of laughter.

WANTED: Big blue ox named Babe. Once he is out of the way, Paul Bunyan will be all mine. If the rugged scruffy beard is not enough, he must torment me with the worn-out red flannel that he has been hacking trees in. After creating the Grand Canyon, he is the American version of Greek gods in mythology. Eat my flapjack heart out.

Irregular attractions aside, one’s knight in shining armor is another’s lumberjack in overalls. Basically beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Do not judge me for wanting Jack Nicholson in a brown UPS uniform knocking down redwoods.

I double-dog dare you to try something. Privately, list all of your guilty secrets when picturing your ideal partner. Not only will you crack yourself up, but you will see what you truly want.

Use my equation for an example. UPS men could mean that I want someone reliable that takes control of a situation. Also, being directionally savvy to make up for my blonde-guided and upside-down compass would not hurt.

Jack Nicholson is an outright character that ultimately sets the atmosphere for harmless trouble and adventure. If you can have fun playing something as lifeless as mini golf with someone, then possibilities are endless.

I admire the hard work ethic of Paul Bunyan. His ridiculous muscles and unbelievable skill are impressive. I want someone who can do things.

Even if your fantasies are about Alex Trebek of “Jeopardy” or Miss Piggy of “The Muppets,” you must come clean with yourself and face your inner passions. It is a matter of figuring out what you like before you can make a move.

I kind of pin myself as a girl that would like the traditional alpha male GQ model type, but I took Carly’s challenge and came up with a few eccentric qualities I find devastatingly handsome in the opposite sex that I altogether didn’t realize.

1. Gingers. Why are people always talking about a shock of red hair like it’s a bad thing? If the cutie next to me in class is a redhead, that is going to land him a plus-one in my book, not the other way around.

Take, for instance, Shaun White. He is the two-time Olympic gold medalist snowboarder I swoon over during the half pipe events nicknamed “The Flying Tomato,” and wouldn’t you know it, he has red hair. Another ginger that I bet you find sexy: Prince Harry. You cannot tell me that you would discount this guy if he struck up a conversation with you at Bear’s this weekend simply because of his hair color. Just Google him. He’s beautiful, and the hair definitely makes the man with this guy.

2. Nice guys. Here is another dying breed that is vastly undervalued. Whenever my girlfriends complain about the jerks in their lives and then make fun of the sweet guy who is always there I always want to grab them and yell, “DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND YOU ARE CREATING THE MORONS WHO THINK THEY NEED TO TREAT GIRLS BADLY TO WIN THEM?!” The nice guy: He will probably listen to the responses to the questions he poses, open the door for you on the way in to Starbucks and he won’t make you cry excessively.

Nice Boy, please don’t get discouraged and go the way of the asshole — it just doesn’t work for you, I promise. Stick to what you’re good at, because we all know you could never make a girl cry without shedding a few yourself.

Whew, there they are. A few things I didn’t altogether expect but hey, if you want to date the GQ model, you have to accept the fact that there is one of him and about a zillion girls who want him. But I bet that there is only one nice-guy Jack Nicholson-type with red hair and a lot of flannel who drives a big brown truck, and you are probably the only one who wants him — now those are some odds I could get down with.