The perfect party

The Academy Awards ceremony is among the finest television programming of the year, but it can be depressing to see how much fun all those talented and wealthy people are having in that grandiose auditorium when you’re sitting on your couch alone, eating Cheetos and wondering what could have been if you had decided to become a filmmaker.

The best way to remedy that depression is by throwing a great party, one that even Brangelina would call a sitter for the privilege of attending. It’s not easy to do, but with the right touches, any ordinary Oscar party can be transformed into a good reason to call in sick on Monday morning.

Classiness is key. The Oscars are not a T-shirt-and-jeans affair for the participants, so there’s no reason it should be one for partygoers. An evening gown and tuxedo dress code should be enforced. Alternatively, a costume party with a nominated-characters theme can also work, provided you trust your friends not to show up by the dozen as Colonel Hans Landa.

Cheap beer is out of the question. Anything less than the finest in champagne available at Kroger is completely unacceptable. Wings and pizza are out, too.

This isn’t the Super Bowl, and that isn’t pepperoni George Clooney will be scraping out of his molars when he thinks the camera isn’t on him. Provide the faux-classiest food you can find for your guests. You don’t lose points for clichés, so feel free to pile on the caviar liberally.

Finally, the most important thing is making sure the ceremony is entertaining for all of your guests. Make sure that there will be ample seating and a high-definition television of at least 40 inches.

If you can’t make these accommodations and you’ve read this far, it might be in your best interest to start looking for a great Oscar party to attend rather than throwing one yourself.