Kevin Smith cops out

So many of today’s worst comedies are offensive, random or both. So to see one that is merely childish should be a relief. “Cop Out” is made for the grown adult with a 9-year-old mind who snickers at every poop joke and explicit use of profanity. And I wouldn’t mind as much if I didn’t think Kevin Smith made the film for himself.

As his first effort at directing without having also written the screenplay, Smith might have an out, but I find it hard to believe he detaches himself from any of his pet projects.

There’s a reason why Bruce Willis is hunting for a valuable baseball card that was stolen from him. There’s a reason why Tracy Morgan screams movie quotes without any context in endless succession. And there’s a reason why Seann William Scott does Parkour.

Kevin Smith likes these things, and he wants to talk about them freely, make poop jokes surround them and be taken seriously. A campy synthesizer score is reminiscent of other ’80s buddy cop movies like “Beverly Hills Cop,” and putting it in that context, it makes sense why “Cop Out” is so heavy on completely unnecessary dramatic back story and poorly staged scenes of violence and action.

It’s sad to watch, really, because there is nothing of substance here. There is literally no concept for how to properly write dialogue because the only thing that is made to be funny is the swearing. The only things funnier than that are kids swearing, swearing in Spanish and being able to string the same swear in a row in the same sentence.

Willis is definitely phoning in his performance, as is Morgan, who spends a solid 10 minutes dressed as a cell phone. The side plots are more or less opportunities for cameos by Rashida Jones and Jason Lee, and these moments easily add an extra half hour to this already excruciating experience. By the time Stifler showed up and started playing copycat with Morgan, I had completely given up.