The South’s going to do it again

We could do without the South. Let’s face it, they’re just holding us back.

From outdated ideas on religion and politics to big cultural differences such as the overabundance of Southern adult bookstore billboards and the grave matter of what to call our bubbly beverages (that’d be soda), there are simply far too many differences between us and the South to make this strained relationship work.

First and foremost, I have to address the pressing problem of that highly unfortunate accent. Whenever I hear the maddeningly slow drawl of an unrefined Southern accent, it’s as if a cheese grater is unrelentingly chafing against the innermost essence of my soul.

While I am perfectly aware that the speakers of certain accents or dialects speak that way through no fault of their own, I’ve chosen to go ahead and ignore that (if Republicans can ignore facts like evolution, why can’t I?) and associate this accent with the retrograde philosophies that so often accompany it. And I feel only slightly ashamed to admit I have the sneaking suspicion that anyone with a Southern accent is at least a little bit sneaky.

(WARNING: Republican logic follows!) Look at John Edwards: he cheated on his terminally-ill (and less-accented) wife with a girl who had an unrefined and southern name. See! All people with Southern accents aren’t to be trusted.

Secondly, there’s the issue of the utterly titanic chasm separating the South from the rest of the country in terms of religion and politics. This is a region that still has states with elements of the Confederate flag prominently featured on some of their flags and in which all but two states have a constitutional ban on the recognition of any form of committed union outside the marriage of a man and a woman.

And I have a strong hunch that the 43 to 47 percent of Americans that still persist in thinking the Earth was created less than 10,000 years ago by an aged bearded man in the sky, or the 41 percent of Americans who still think that global warming either isn’t happening or isn’t man-made, are largely concentrated in the South. If these facts are anything but disturbing to you, I strongly encourage you to immediately move to Mississippi.

Another reason we’d be better off without the former Confederate States of America is because of the well-established fact that the South is home to most of the United States of America’s douchebags.

And take a gander at this factoid: About half of the 20 worst-performing states in GDP per capita, the poverty rate, the Human Development Index, CO2 emissions, obesity rates and life expectancy are in the South. If the South were to rise again, we’d instantly become at least twice as awesome of a country.

So I’ve come to the weighty conclusion that it might just be best to sequester this population with a high percentage of douchebag-ery away from the rest of us through the convenient use of an international border. I, for one, would sleep better at night knowing that all young American girls with stupid names like Rielle are safe from the sneaky, dirty paws of Southerners such as John Edwards.