What the Republicans need is a dance number

Republicans, you need to step up your game. I’ve always strived to be independent and not side with any particular party, but you guys are making it hard.

If you want to win over the new generation of voters, becoming the political equivalent of a Disney villain is not the best step. Let’s not debate the intricacies of your policies; let’s just look at the thesis statements that most young people see.

Gay marriage: You don’t want certain people to get married. You’re King Triton, keeping Ariel from being with Prince Eric. Never mind the fact that Eric loved a girl he hadn’t talked to who seemed to be extremely dumb. I’m sure that attraction wasn’t based entirely on Ariel being a cartoon babe. But kids don’t care about that.

Republican Minority Leader John Boehner, be more singing-Jamaican crab, less mermaid king with a trident.

Hunting: Think Cruella de Vil or the villains from The Rescuers Down Under. Kids like talking mice, not mean Australian poachers. Try to move away from having your politicians take photo ops with dead animals. No one needs to see Tom Delay hunt down and kill the last unicorn, and eating it raw on live television during a press conference was a step too far.

Health care: You don’t want people to get medicine. Balto ran across some ice country with medicine for sick children. Don’t become the evil dog. Be the talking goose.

Republicans should realize more than anyone that most Americans don’t look past the first layer of an issue. The Bush administration’s entire re-election platform was based on the idea that Kerry’s appointment would drown the nation in a sea of Teresa Heinz ketchup. The related ads were only shown in a few counties. That’s why you didn’t see them.

There’s got to be something you guys can be cool with. You have country music and 3 Doors Down. Democrats have everything else. The situation has been mishandled so much that the slow jazz of NPR is seen as hip.

How are you letting the nerds that are Ira Glass and Anderson Cooper beat you?

At this point, if people started gaining superpowers, I’d expect the conservative platform to be, “We’re not in favor of people getting to fly.”

Some suggestions to get the public back on your side: three-day weekends. All the time. Justify that our extra free time will lead to more spending and stimulate our economy. Call the new day off Screaming Eagle Day and put it in the middle of the week.

Instead of fighting the public option, find a better alternative. Give national discounts on NyQuil and Band-Aids. That will appease the majority of people’s problems. Not everyone has kidney failures or needs cancer treatments.

These are just a few ideas. If any Republican strategist wants to get a hold of me, I can field any and all questions via e-mail, which I’m sure will be completely positive and not angry in the least.