Existential threats

Reclining on my couch one recent evening, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of despair; in my summer stupor I had allowed myself to become isolated, all but ignorant of the outside world.

For crises such as these, there was but one remedy: cable news.

Tuning the TV to CNN, I immediately faced perhaps the most tragic news of my life: “King of Pop” Michael Jackson died.

While an autopsy was yet to be performed, speculation abounded. The anchorman, to his credit, asked what must have been on the mind of everyone sitting at home: Could Jackson’s death possibly be related to the most recent outbreak of swine flu?

I desired nothing more but to contemplate such a profound inquiry, but I had more pressing questions and switched stations in search of answers. In a stroke of serendipity, I encountered the leading authority on perhaps everything – Nancy Grace.

What I saw next made my stomach churn; scores of pretty white girls had disappeared from their homes. Thank God that gumshoe Grace had arrived to save them by mercilessly interrogating everyone in sight. Regardless, my angst would not subside. It was time again for a change of scenery.

Transitioning to FOX News, I could feel my optimism return as the face of Bill O’Reilly, the most-watched and -trusted name in cable news, appeared on the screen before me.

My hopes were soon dashed, however, as there was yet more wickedness to report: Liberal conspirators were afoot, concocting all manner of scheme to tax me and fund their socialist agenda. Meanwhile, O’Reilly had found a startling link between Russia and the Taliban.

Things were starting to look quite bleak.

At least one man, O’Reilly reported, had seen the writing on the wall. Aware of the imminent danger, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford had retreated to the safety and seclusion of the Appalachian Mountains – a prudent move that nonetheless drew slanderous attacks from the liberal media.

My knuckles began to pale; the anger boiled inside of me. Jacko was dead of swine flu, online predators were coming for my unborn daughter by the thousands and Taliban terrorists were plotting in concert with Russia to convert the West to Islam.

Existential threats lurked around every corner, and President Obama, the man elected to fix the entire world, was dallying, squandering his attention on red herrings such as the economy, global warming and health-care reform.

Obama might not be on a “24-hour news cycle,” but the rest of us are. Hailing from the greatest country in the world, we Americans expect solutions to the most sensational issues at the same rapid pace we are made aware of them.

Staring into O’Reilly’s sage eyes, I felt a sense of calm wash over me. I would forget the whole ordeal, ignorance being blissful as it is, and remain in the comfort of my home to weather the storm.