Say goodbye to shrinkage

There is just one thing that can keep men from diving into a pool full of beautiful women. One thing can terrify a man so much that he chooses the coarse sand and a chapter from “Twilight” over the beautiful, blue ocean. One thing can prevent a man from participating in a spur-of-the-moment Slip ‘N Slide extravaganza.

The name alone, once uttered, makes the manliest man feel like an infant, cowering in the corner of his bedroom.

Shrinkage.

Take a moment to recollect yourself – I understand that must have been hard on you.

Many people wonder what even causes shrinkage, but honestly, who cares? You understand the basics, possibly first presented to you by “Seinfeld.” All we men care about is solving the problem that emasculates us and could possibly scar us for life.

Gentlemen, the key to victory over this lifelong battle has arrived.

The Rooster Booster.

If the name alone doesn’t say it all, let me help you out. The Rooster Booster is a brand new swimsuit design that utilizes a pocket in the crotch and foam padding to keep certain parts of the male anatomy warm in even the iciest of depths.

Now I want to be totally up front going into this: the Rooster Booster is not the coolest looking swimsuit on the market. In fact, it looks like a shiny pair of black booty shorts.

Although it might not be as stylish as your baggy board shorts or sultry Speedo, we should not look upon the Rooster Booster with shame. We should see it for what it really is: an opportunity.

This will revolutionize the way men’s clothes are made forever. Snow pants might one day utilize a similar design to keep certain parts of the body warm when we’re out hitting the slopes. A beautiful future lies ahead.

Now, I feel like I’m leaving a very important aspect of this product out. Ladies, don’t be too quick to judge the Rooster Booster. It is to us what the padded bra was to you: a sign of hope.

Let me set up a scenario for you. Matthew McConaughey, hunk of all hunks, is coming out of the water, body glistening. You, on the beach, see this beefcake and your mind goes wild. You examine him with eyes full of fiery passion.

But as those eyes travel south, you find yourself wanting to cry because of what you see or, rather, don’t see.

We all know that’s not the case, because Matthew McConaughey is a god among men. But I believe you see my point. The Rooster Booster has potential benefits as far as the eye can see, for both men and women.

So, Gentlemen, as you go to pick out a swimsuit, blaze a new trail and boost your rooster. Even the name of the Web site from which you can purchase one tells you this is no joke: MrBusyBalls.com.