A lasting commencement address

With President Michael McRobbie effectively eliminating official pathways for student input in selecting the commencement speaker, it’s time to take matters into our own hands.

We still have a few outlets: the IDS Opinion page, the Jordan River Forum and the bathroom stall walls in Ballantine (which, rumor has it, is where the IUSA tickets found all of their campaigning ideas and some contact info for supporters).

I will not sit this fight out – and you shouldn’t either.

Taking a proactive role in restoring student voice to this important decision, we must each offer our own opinions about the qualifications we expect from a commencement speaker and specific recommendations as to whom we believe could meet the challenge.

A commencement speaker must be, above all, a good speaker. The truth is, society’s greatest achievers are not always its best orators.

An engaging personality makes one compelling to watch. And a commencement speaker must be charming and captivating – someone who can put people in seats and keep them awake.

My top choice, of course, would be Stephen Colbert. You could say I adore him. A brilliant orator, celebrated for his wit and humor, Colbert could inspire the graduating class to great achievements with gusto and phenomenal comedic delivery.

Who knows, he might even offer words of humorous wisdom that would be remembered beyond the post-graduation celebrations at Kilroy’s.

I’d also recommend Apple’s Steve Jobs, who proved to be a highly qualified speaker in 2005 when he offered personal stories of inspiration to the graduating class at Stanford University.

Speaking honestly of his personal achievements and failures, Jobs delivered a speech that surpassed the general graduation addresses, saying nothing of the need to take that first step on the journey of a thousand miles, leaving footprints on the sands of time that won’t be washed away by our fast-paced, global society, because we’re all in this together.

This type of authenticity would surely be refreshing after four years of stale academia. And it might be nice to get some practical advice at graduation.

Dick Clark could describe how to defy aging. Britney Spears could teach us how to keep a hectic personal life from affecting our personal career (though she may lip-sync her commentary). And Rod Blagojevich could deliver a speech titled “What Not to Do.”

However, Dateline’s Chris Hansen (of “To Catch a Predator” fame) might have the best advice for the graduating class: Don’t show up to a 14-year-old girl’s house with alcohol and claim you’re trying to teach her Internet responsibility.

Others making my hotlist: Oprah Winfrey, Barbara Walters and modern minister Rob Bell.

These are just some suggestions, but my voice is not the only to be heard.

A student committee with the power to recommend speakers must be created. While the administration could retain the final say, student voice is not irrelevant – because as we begin that proverbial next chapter in our lives, remembering our best days, BFFs and all the ways we’ve grown, we at least deserve to be entertained.