Gifts I’ll never receive

We all know what this season is about: presents. And this year, I think I’m going to cash in.

With the economy in a slump, stores have been forced to slash prices, and consumer costs have plummeted. My friends and family better have taken notice.
Although, as often happens when one is repeatedly blessed, I find I’m not spending my time thinking about how lucky I’ll be. No. That’d be too grateful and appreciative. Instead, I’m preoccupied with the one thing I’ll never get, the one thing that could drastically improve my way of life at the cost of my personal dignity.

Rain boots.

A week ago, the skies opened above our fair campus, and water poured down in waves. I shuffled to class, my humble umbrella serving as a meager shield against the deluge. And as the rain came down, the puddles popped up.

Everywhere, unassuming pools became an undergrad’s worst nightmare. And though I tried to be alert and extra attentive, I hit one. Splash. In one moment, I’d gone from being miserable to really miserable.

When I got to class, I realized I’d have to endure the next 50 minutes in this wretched state. Attempting to find solace, I looked around the room for pity. And while many guys looked just as uncomfortable as I did, I realized the women were dry. As my gaze turned to the floor, I saw their brightly colored boots, adorned with rainbows, ducks and bright stripes. I became bitter.

I like being dry, too. If I’d been wearing those rain boots, which seem to be an obligatory part of every college girl’s wardrobe, my jeans would’ve been protected. I wouldn’t have had to endure class while wallowing in my wet anger. It just seemed so absurd.

Why don’t they make some of those rubber wonders for men? They wouldn’t have to be as flashy or as variegated as those made for women. In fact, it’d be fine if they only came in three colors: black, brown, and camo (if you’re really hard-core). I’d pay any cost to stay dry and know many who would do the same.

There are other things I might like to have, but doubt I’ll ever unwrap. A fanny pack could be nice. I know they’re fashion suicide, but it’d be cool to carry more things with me, like a camera, scissors, a stapler and duct tape. I’d probably wear mine to the side, just to mix things up a bit.

But the one thing I’d really enjoy this Christmas is relaxed time with my family. I’ll see them, sure, but we always get preoccupied. We’re worried about burning the ham or making sure the right packages go to the right people. And by the time we think we’ve got it all figured out, it’s time to go home. I’m not sure if it’ll happen. It means we’d all have to slow down, be patient and let little things go, but it’s nice to think about.