Guilty as charged

I did it. Guilty as charged. I take all the blame. It was 100 percent my fault.
I know what you are thinking, and you’re wrong.

No, I didn’t rob a bank. Nor did I shoot the sheriff. I didn’t even cause the IU football team to lose again.

Rather, I am guilty of planning a party I should have never planned.

That’s right. I planned an acquittal party for O.J. Simpson in Las Vegas. Yes. O.J. had the cajones to plan an acquittal party before hearing the verdict, and I was the spearhead of the operation (note to my readers who have an IQ lower than O.J.: this is all made up. I did not plan any party for Simpson).

Reportedly, O.J.’s friend Thomas Riccio invited radio talk-show host Anthony Crivello and retired Las Vegas police detective Phil Ramos to join O.J.’s entourage at an undisclosed location. O.J. was so confident that the outcome would be a “hung jury” that he offered me autographed memorabilia (probably the stuff he was convicted of stealing) in return for planning his party.

Of course, I accepted. Think about the opportunities I would gain with that on my resume.

And as the event planner of an event that never was allowed to happen, I feel obligated to tell you the undisclosed location and what kind of party I planned for O.J. and his entourage.

First off, after my initial idea of holding the event at the Minxx Gentleman’s Club was ended due to foreclosure (see last week’s Straight Bidness for more details), I decided to go for a much nicer place atop the Rio called VooDoo Lounge. It is a classy enough place to hold a sweet party but not classy enough to realize the repercussions of allowing O.J. to host a party at their club.

With the location nailed down, I needed to finish food arrangements. I had some killer appetizers planned. And I mean killer as in deliciously tasty.

There would have been the little pigs in a blanket and all other great finger foods.

The main course would have been a choice of chicken or fish. I really wanted to do a very rare-cooked filet, but decided that it was in everybody’s best interest to keep all the knives butter knives.

The DJ would have been playing some awesome music. It would have been a mix of The Killers and Ja Rule featuring 50 Cent and Fabulous.

And best of all, each guest would not have left empty-handed. The gift bags were amazing. Some of the highlights from the bag were a miniature replica of a white Ford Bronco, a one-size too small black glove and an autographed copy of the book, “If I Did It: Confessions of the Killer.”

Unfortunately, O.J. was convicted of armed robbery, kidnapping and 10 other charges, which ruined the party and will likely send O.J. to jail for the rest of his life.

It’s too bad, too.

I was really looking forward to having that Heisman Trophy on my mantle.