From princesses to prostitutes

What should I be for Halloween? This year I want my costume to be original, but I also want it to be as cheap and easy as I am. So I’m either going to wear bunny ears and no pants, cat ears and no pants, a nurse hat and no pants, or a piece of dental floss.

Thank goodness for Halloween. Am I right, ladies? I don’t think I’m alone when I say that all the other 364 nights of the year I have to suppress how slutty I actually can be.
Now boys, I know you are eagerly anticipating this night and these costumes even more than we are. It’s understandable.

But before you set your sexpectations too high, you should know that my choice to show up in a Saran-Wrap toga has little to do with you. It’s about the other women. If my roommate decides to wear a post-it note and a rubber band, then you can bet that I will only be wearing a rubber band.

Half of the time I don’t even feel like dressing like a hooker when it’s zero degrees outside. But there’s no way I’m showing up dressed in a bear suit or covered in some stupid sheet with eye slits to a party where all the other skinny women look like they just wandered off a ship full of sexy pirates.

Remember when we were younger how we all dressed like princesses on Halloween as an excuse to wear makeup and heels? Isn’t Halloween so much cooler now that we’re older and can dress like prostitutes as an excuse to wear makeup and heels? Plus, now we have these luscious curves and this taut flesh we can suffocate under a sheath of fish net.

But now kids’ costumes are changing, too. Today at Wal-Mart I was browsing an aisle of Halloween costumes for young girls. On the outside of the packages were photographs of each costume being modeled by a 10-year-old. My first reaction was that the witch dresses looked awfully short to be worn by girls so young.

When I was that age I was still rocking the M&M suit. But then my friend pointed out that maybe it’s a good thing for parents to help their daughters dress scantily early on to help prepare them for future Halloweens when they will be drunkenly wandering the streets of their college campus wearing only devil horns and a thong.

The days of going from door to door looking for candy are over. Now we go from party to party looking for scraps of attention. While we used to enjoy tricks and treats, now we dress like tricks and bask in the power of dangling and withholding the treat. 

Good luck, ladies, as you put together your own creative costume this Halloween. I look forward to seeing the new ways you come up with to sexualize seemingly modest professions such as doctors, farmers and law enforcers. Look for me at the parties this year. I’ll be the one not wearing pants.