A New kind of speech

"Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing our savior, Barack Obama!"

“Thank you, thank you,” Obama says as he strolls out onto his $2 million victory stage.

“Welcome to the Obama Election Night Party, brought to you by MasterCard. There are some things in life money can’t buy. An election isn’t one of them.”

“You know, it is a great honor to be standing here tonight in my hometown of Chicago.

Isn’t it great to have defeated George W. Bush and his failed policies?”

A cheer rises from the press section.

“I don’t think I could have done it without you,” he says, winking to his left at David Heller, managing director at Goldman Sachs.

“We have a lot of hope and change to talk about, but before I get started, let me first thank some people. Thank you, Tony Rezko. I couldn’t have made it here without the $168,000 you raised for me early on. You were there before my other big donors.

“Thank you to the banking industry. Especially you, Fannie Mae. In just four years in the Senate, you’ve already given me more money than you give most Congressmen in 20 years.

“I’d like to thank some individual citizens now. Pro Doodad. Good Will. John Galt of 1957 Ayn Rand Lane. You are the backbone of my publicly financed campaign!
“People like you, who donated without having your identities verified by the credit card companies, have together raised over $160 million in unreported small donations.

Those small donations contributed to my more than $400 million total.

“And now let me introduce the next president, er, vice president, Joe Biden... You know, you can clap for him.”

“Hi, guys,” he says. “My speech is brought to you by foreign policy: it’s so easy, a caveman can do it. And we need to keep it that way, because let me tell you something: I guarantee there will be an international crisis now that Obama is elected.

The world is gonna try to test this guy ‘cause he’s so damned inexperienced. And that’s why you need to give him your support.”

“Uh, thank you, Joe,” Obama says as he pushes Biden out of the way.

“Let me get two more sponsors out of the way before I wrap up,” Obama continues.

“First, I’d like to praise Holiday Inn Express. You better pray I stayed there last night. And finally, Allstate: Do you really need to ask if this country is in good hands?

“My response to that would be ‘no,’ because even if you ask, we’re just going to smear you and your background.

“That’s the kind of change we need. Not just about policies and programs, not about experience and judgment, but a new kind of change. A new kind of words. The eloquence of a new generation.

“Sen. McCain might have divided the nation with his focus on national security and fixing the economy, but we have transcended. Here it is folks: a new kind of politics.”