The Lib Test

Like most of you, I’ve had a great time starting another school year. I love being a student, and I especially love being here at IU.

But unfortunately, entering college is a time when millions of students across the country identify themselves as liberals for the first time. Many of them languish for years in this sad state of mind until they get jobs and start paying taxes – some even remain liberals all their lives.

Thankfully, like many illnesses, liberalism can be cured if it’s detected and treated early. So I’ve devised this helpful system, which you might recognize as being based off Jeff Foxworthy’s Redneck Test.

Please be diligent in checking yourself for the following symptoms:

If you think tobacco should be banned but that marijuana should be legalized, you might be a liberal.

If you’ve ever felt intellectually stimulated watching “The View” or “The Oprah Winfrey Show,” you might be a liberal.

If you’ve spent more money on bumper stickers than on your last car payment, you might be a liberal.

If you can find anything “hopeful” in Barack Obama’s ideas (or lack thereof), you’re either an incurable optimist or a liberal (I’d assume the latter, just in case).

If your Facebook profile includes “anything but country” under the “Favorite Music” category, you might simply have poor taste in music. But beware, this might also be a warning sign that you are, in fact, a liberal.

If you’d be influenced in your decision for whom to vote by a candidate’s race or gender, you’re probably a liberal.

If you think MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann is a decent, respectable journalist, objectively reporting the events of the day, you just might be a liberal.

If you believe gas wouldn’t be so expensive if everyone would just keep their tires inflated properly, you’re at least a moderate, and you might even be a liberal.

If you think the best way to fix a failed government program is to expand it, you might be a liberal.

For the men: If you’ve ever attended a campus feminist group’s meetings in an effort to pick up women, you’re probably a liberal.

For the women: If the hair under your arms is longer than the hair on your head, you might be a liberal.

If you pick up The New York Times for any other reason than for easy access into the opponent’s daily playbook, you’re probably a liberal.

If you’ve ever had your breath taken away by the awe-inspiring beauty of a wind farm ... if you begin every other sentence with the words, “I feel ..., ” if you’ve ever walked more than six steps out of your way to throw a piece of trash into a recycling bin ...
... you might be a liberal.

If you display one or more of these warning signs, don’t panic – there are several preventative measures you can take. Reading my column, “You Know I’m Right,” in the IDS every Wednesday is a great first step.