I put a spell on you

Expelliarmus. Wingardium Leviosa. Expecto Patronum. Lumos.

Well, crap.

I’m still in the dark, my computer is not levitating, I don’t have an extremely bright blue streak coming out of my pencil and my roommate is still holding the butter knife I tried to disarm him of. I guess my Harry Potter spells didn’t work.

Now stay with me here.

A UN-funded radio station reported a Congo soccer match ended in a riot. The Nyuki System soccer club was losing to its rival Socozaki when the Nyuki goalkeeper ran up the pitch chanting spells to change the course of the game. A riot broke out and when police attempted to stop the fight by firing into the air, the crowd scattered, trampling 13 people, most of them children, on their way out.

A soccer match was ended because of witchcraft? Is this Salem in the 17th century? I can’t believe lives were lost from an act as stupid as witchcraft in a soccer match. The players should hold their heads in shame from this unfortunate situation.

But for every ying there is a yang, and some good has to come from this story, no matter how deep you have to dig.

And that good is strategy.

I might just be an American kid who has minimal soccer knowledge and thinks football is a sport played with a ball shaped like Hey Arnold’s head. But clearly I was just missing the point.

I always thought the objective of soccer was to kick the ball into the opposing net more times than the other team. Now, I know the objective is to cast spells at the other team to win the match.

Knowing these important strategical aspects of the game, I have assembled an all-star soccer team.

Cue introduction music and Michael Buffer:

Ladies and gentlemen, here are your Swiffer Wet Jets!

Starting in goal, down from the Yellow Brick Road in the merry old land of Oz, No. 2, the Wicked Witch of the West.

At full back, from Bewitched University, No. 33, Samantha Stephens.

At center back, from Crunchem Hall, No. 3.14, Matilda Wormwood.

At wing back, from Middle-Earth, No. 6, Galadriel.

At defensive midfield, from Narnia, No. 666, the White Witch.

At midfield, from Newfoundland, No. 1, Tinker Bell.

At attacking midfield, from the L.A. Galaxy, No. 23, David Beckham.

At left wing, from Major Nelson’s lamp, No. 7, Jeannie.

At right wing, from Westbridge High, No. 00, Sabrina Spellman.

At striker, from Hogwarts, No. 99, Harry Potter.

And your head coach, Albus Dumbledore.

Your Swiffer Wet Jets!

End scene.

Take that, Manchester United! I’d like to see you beat that team.

Wait. Those people aren’t real witches and wizards/warlocks? They are just actors and animations?

Rennervate Swiffer Wet Jets.

Did that bring them out of unconsciousness?

No?

Damn you Harry Potter.

Maybe next time we should all just leave the magic at home, and keep things a little bit safer. For the kids.