Optimism at its best

The day after my glorious and all-important birthday this July, my tonsils will be taken out. Why? I’m not really sure. But it has something to do with impressive words like “peritonsillar,” reoccurring symptoms and possibly reacquainting myself with the most agonizing pain I’ve experienced in my life if I don’t. So now I get to be knocked out and put under the knife.\nTo many people this may sound like a somewhat frightening and frustrating prospect. But being the perpetual optimist that I’m not, I decided to look at the bright side of things. \nThe first thing I did was think back to when I had my wisdom teeth taken out and was anesthetized. When the doctors put the anesthesia mask on me I tried to challenge myself and defy everything we’ve seen in movies and television. When the doctor told me to count backward from 10 I attempted to make it to the number one. I think I made it to eight. Time to improve my score!\nDuring the brief period that the gas was still affecting me after surgery, I lost the sense of pain and I lacked coherent thought. I decided to start hitting myself and declared I could now beat up my older brother who was quite a good wrestler back in the day, a marine and now a cop. I’m now going to honor my aclaim and put my body on the line and finally take him down.\nThe post-surgery benefits are extensive as well.\nI finally have an excuse to lay on the couch all day in a slightly vegetative state without being ridiculed or being told to do something with my life. No longer will my friends and family criticize me or tell me to get a job. \nInstead of saying, “What did you say? I wasn’t paying attention. Denise Richards was upset because her dad was taking her shoes away on her show.” I can now respond with, “What did you say? I’m drugged up and just had a part of my body removed.” \nAnd since I will be out of commission for at least a couple of days, I will need people to wait on me constantly. No longer will I get a sarcastic remark after asking my roommate to make me a sandwich or hand me the remote because it’s just out of my reach. \nNow I can ask my mom to fluff my pillow and demand five different flavors of ice cream to be available at all times. Maybe I can get one of those bells or set up some fancy alarm system that alerts everyone in the house that I need something.\nSo besides the excruciating pain, being incapacitated for a couple of days and missing out on all the fun in good old Bloomington, it won’t be too bad. I mean lying on the couch and watching reruns of “The Price is Right” (now with Drew Carey) is what everyone aspires to, right?