And the Emmy nominees aren’t...

Picture this scene: an extravagantly beautiful amphitheater filled with the most gorgeous TV stars, all spiffed up in their most dapper red-carpet garb. Imagine that it’s all an award show. For kicks, let’s call it the Emmys, which supposedly honor the best from TV.

Two of the medium’s most dazzling starlets, say Jennifer Morrison and Evangeline Lilly, take to the stage. “We’re here to present a very special award to a truly fantastic group of people,” says Lilly after a bit of lame cue-card inspired award show dialogue.
“That’s right,” says Morrison. “No one could pull off this type of performance year after year without it going unnoticed.”

“Yes because most of the viewers don’t realize that someone has to make certain that this award show delivers the worst, uninspired nominations of any award show this side of the Teen Choice Awards,” quips Lilly. “So this year a special lifetime-achievement award is going to... the Emmy voting committee!”

A group of older folks stand up, embrace and make their way to the stage where they all accept golden statues. One of them, a male, emerges to give an acceptance speech into the microphone. “This is really an honor to be standing up here tonight receiving this award after so many years of being responsible for who else gets one of these glorious statues,” he says. “We all recognize our responsibility each year: watch only a sole episode of each show to determine its value and attempt to force our lackluster opinion over the popular vote.”

 Another female winner takes the microphone, fighting back tears. “We’re really so proud to be the committee that continuously allows the commercially popular shows like ‘Boston Legal’ and ‘Two And A Half Men’ to receive more nominations than universally-recognized superior products such as ‘The Wire’ and ‘Friday Night Lights’,” she says. “Year in and year out, we have two ways of coming up with our great choices: kissing up to the shows with the most buzz and simply nominating the same people we have in the past, and frankly it’s worked brilliantly for us.”

 Finally, one more grabs the spotlight, even though the melodramatic please-get-off-stage music is playing. “You can keep playing that song, but this is my time,” she blurts. “I’d now like to apologize for actually giving a few deserved shows some praise this year. We usually don’t understand the plots on those smart talkies like ‘Lost’ or ‘Damages,” but sometimes the mainstream press loves them so much we sadly give in. But we shouldn’t have, and instead have given their spots to those simple shows that make us smile like ‘Heroes’ or ‘Grey’s Anatomy’; we dropped the ball, but it won’t happen again. Thank you all!”

And scene.

This won’t really happen when the Emmys air this fall, but it might as well. Time and time again, the Emmys deliver mostly dreadful nominations, so why not give out this award? Because mostly everyone else that wins in major categories is just as dreadful.