The final push

I remember an afternoon I spent many years ago, sitting in a dark room and waiting to pee. \n“It’s almost over,” I remember telling myself repeatedly, at various points in time over the course of about eight hours. “It’s almost over and then I can go pee.” But I was wrong; I kept misjudging this event’s end because it went on forever. I feel confident that I would still be sitting in that dark room if employees hadn’t eventually brought up the lights and allowed us to leave. I am, of course, referring to the year 2001 and its coup de grace, “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Boring.” \nI know that my thoughts on this film put me in a minority, especially on a campus that plays host to a group called “Role-Playing Game Club,” but I have a reason for sharing this story. And no, it’s not because I want to wake up to a flaming Smeagol cutout in my yard tomorrow morning. Thanks for asking, though. \nMy reason for sharing the story is to relate to all you seniors out there. My experience at “Lord of the Rings” is more or less what your experience at commencement is going to be: about eight hours of sitting in Assembly Hall listening to aging hobbits give advice, and you don’t even get to throw your cap in the air afterward. It’s not going to be fun. \nAs a result, I have prepared a Commencement Survival Kit for those seniors who have decided to brave it. I implore all graduating seniors to follow the guidelines in this survival kit, for the sake of their own survival. Survival. \nFirst, I recommend bringing a crossword puzzle. Depending on what day of the week it’s from, a puzzle could keep you occupied for as long as two hours, or four if you majored in telecommunications. If anyone sitting near you seems to have a problem with your choice of activity, just say graduation speaker Will Shortz gave it to you. \nPlease note that you could also bring a sudoku puzzle, but I am not going to endorse that because I feel very strongly that numbers are no fun. \nThe second thing I recommend bringing is craft supplies, such as glitter glue and construction paper. Too many people waste precious precommencement time decorating their caps with messages for their parents and IDS photographers. To that I say, “You have eight hours, just do it there.” It’s the same theory as bringing homework along on vacation “to do in the car.” You may not end up doing it, but if you don’t bring it you’ll be sorry. You will also be playing the alphabet game with your parents.\nAnd finally, for obvious reasons relating to the first paragraph, I recommend bringing some sort of portable urine-collection device.\nCongratulations grads – now get out there and sit though your last tediously boring lecture of college!