Roommate wars

Much like communism, a house with roommates does not work unless everyone contributes equally. I’m not a communist. I’m a materialistic, free-market capitalist and I understand the importance of incentives and personal gain. This is why, when you move into a house next year with four other guys, you’ll need to learn a few tricks to cope with the stresses. And you’re in luck because I’m here to give you five great tips for next year based on three years of horrible experiences.\n1) Learn the subtle art of dish rationing: two forks, two knives, two spoons, two plates, two girls, one cup. That’s all you get. And once you get them, hide them. Stow them away where no one can find them because once that sink piles up with dishes and Jake needs a plate for his Pizza Pockets, you’ll be glad you stockpiled some dishware. \n2) Practice making a garbage mountain: No one is going to take out the trash. I think most guys would rather buy several new trash cans than take the garbage out once. Due to this tendency, you will inevitably be faced with a “garbage mountain” (a.k.a. a pile of trash that exceeds the limits of the trash can, forming a Jenga-like waste heap extruding from the top). You must learn to place your garbage carefully and strategically, never allowing the mountain to crumble, while making it as difficult as possible for your roommates to add the next piece of trash without knocking the whole thing down. You must practice this because once the mountain falls, there’s no avoiding the responsibility. \n3) Hoard and steal. That’s right, nothing is community in a house with several roommates. If you’re dumb enough to buy toilet paper or paper towels, you’ll soon learn that your efforts are fruitless. All the time and money you spent stocking the house will only lead to disappointment after you discover that everything you bought has been used up or stolen before you got to use it. \n4) Get used to public restrooms: It is inevitable that eventually your bathroom will become more disgusting than a restroom at a truck stop. As a matter of fact, a truck stop restroom doesn’t look so bad compared to the pubic-hair factory that will eventually become your home’s only bathroom. So, use public restrooms; they will seem like a forgotten luxury of cleanliness.\n5) Your room is your sanctuary: Put everything you own in it. Your books, your clothes, your food, your girlfriend. Leave everything in your room; it is the only place where things are safe. If you leave any of them out for any period of time, they will be taken from you.\nI know what you’re thinking. This won’t happen to me, I’m close with my roommates, we’ll work together, we’ll make dinner together every Wednesday, we’ll set up a cleaning schedule, etc. Don’t be a fool. None of this will happen. You must learn to fend for yourself before it’s too late. There is no house that won’t eventually sink into oblivion if you have several male roommates. So man up, because you’re going to war.