Rats, fats and dingbats

There’s no better way to start the morning than with a nice, warm mug of rat’s milk. It’s delicious, nutritious and green. No, not literally green in color – at least if it’s fresh. But by switching from cow’s milk to rat’s milk, you – yes you! – can save the planet from environmental destruction. This nugget of wisdom comes from Heather Mills, former model, soon-to-be ex-wife of Paul McCartney and certified environmental wacko. \nIn a world on the brink of environmental disaster, we must ask ourselves how long we can survive without the enlightened counsel of eco warriors like Mills. Now is the time to heed the wisdom of visionaries like Sheryl Crow, who reported from her Global Warming College tour last year, “I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming. Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating. I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting.” \nGod help us when her plans move into the advanced stages of development. \nCrow went on to admonish people to use “only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required.” Now I’m no expert, but if the standard is one square, I doubt there are too many trips to the john that don’t qualify as “pesky occasions.”\nThen there’s the boat fueled by human fat taken from liposuction procedures. I’m not kidding! The boat, named Earthrace, will attempt to circumnavigate the globe starting March 1, with a net-zero carbon footprint. You know, this could actually turn out to be a great idea. Just find some lardy lefty like Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy or Rosie O’Donnell to sit in the hull of your boat and plug in an IV that connects their thighs to the engine. Keep them supplied with plenty of rat’s milk ice cream, and you can sail the seven seas sustainably.\nIf you’re really serious about saving the planet, you can follow the example of Karin Robertson, a PETA employee who had her name legally changed to GoVeg.com to raise awareness for vegetarianism. Or you can be like Toni Vernelli, a British woman who had an abortion and then was sterilized in an effort to reduce the carbon footprint for herself and her would-be spawn. According to Vernelli, “Having children is selfish. It’s all about maintaining your genetic line at the expense of the planet.” At least she practiced what she preached; that’s rare among the prophets of the climate crisis cult. And lest you think I’m mocking her, let me just be clear: Any environmental extremists who want to render themselves incapable of reproduction have my complete support and sincere thanks.\nWith these easy tips, there’s no excuse for not doing your part to save the planet. So pour yourself a tall glass of rat’s milk and go green!