Mad money

Today, the federal government is due to start mailing checks to taxpayers in its stimulus package to help boost economic growth.\nAnd let me tell you: I’m going to stimulate the hell out of this economy.\nWhy, I’ve been working on plans for months – new, bold plans to tackle the big issues dogging our economy’s future. The types of plans that small minds might dismiss as mad but that geniuses will hail as ... uh ... genius!\nFor starters, I’m developing a super-light, super-fast wind-powered land craft that could revolutionize the U.S. transportation system. By relying on a freely available, non-polluting, renewable source of power, it will help to break our dependence on finite natural resources. But I know what you are thinking: What if there is no wind? Well, under those conditions it will feature powerful, hand-cranked fans driven by galley slaves endowed with inhuman strength through daily consumption of anabolic steroids and controlled via pin-sized explosive devices attached at the bases of their medulla oblongatas. And to further our leap into sustainable fuel, my crew and I shall employ this mighty craft to prey upon the slow, vulnerable, petroleum-driven vehicles that wend up and down North America’s miles and miles of land-based shipping routes. The result will be that people will either turn to wind power, or stay home. And I will be hailed as both a savior of the environment and the most feared pirate in the history of the interstate highway system.\nOr there’s my idea for saving the U.S. housing market. Like many of the best-laid plans, it starts with a giant robot: A 100-story high, nuclear-powered, titanium-armored, state-of-the-art killbot, to be precise. See, the values of homes have been falling – and what is the simplest way to increase the value of something? Why, decrease the supply. Thus, with my trusty killbot, I will provide a public service by traveling around the country employing its 2,000-ton feet to gleefully crush all the excess homes. Oh, don’t worry: I won’t crush them with people inside. I’m not a monster. I’ll install a loudspeaker in the killbot’s cockpit, so that my maniacal laughter will warn people of my approach.\nThen there is the need to create new jobs. And not just new jobs – jobs that can not only employ those who lack a college education, but that also cannot be outsourced. This means locally based service jobs – like exterminators, for example. Well, I have just the thing: With chemicals bought using my stimulus check, I’ll unleash a plague of flesh-eating zombies, thereby creating an opportunity for brave souls willing to cull the ranks of the undead horde. The training is simple (“aim for the head!”), and the demand for recruits will stay constant or growing. After all, if you’re not good at hunting zombies, you’ll simply end up joining them. Eat your heart out, Lou Dobbs!\nYes indeed, a brave new day is beginning for the U.S. economy, and ... What?\nOh, we’re only getting $600? I guess I’ll just spend it on groceries, then.